admission essay for UT

nhathan

Thành viên tích cực
#1
chú giúp cháu review essay ạ, cháu cám ơn chú nhiều lắm.
There may be personal information you want considered as part of your admissions application. Write an essay describing that information. You might include exceptional hardships, challenges, or opportunities that have shaped or impacted your abilities or academic credentials, personal responsibilities, exceptional achievements or talents, educational goals, or ways in which you might contribute to an institution committed to creating a diverse learning environment.

Waiting for one more day in Japan because of the earthquake and tsunami, my mom, my brother and I finally were in America at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. The long and strenuous journey seemed to predict a difficult beginning in America for my family. I knew that my new life started and I had to be stronger.
My mom had her job after a week we came in America so I took care of my brother at night. For the first time in my life, neither mom nor dad stayed with me at night, I felt despairs; however I said to mom that I was fine in order to comfort my mom. Every day, after school, I bathed my brother, fed him, helped him do homework and told story for him. However, it was not simply to look after him, I had to fight with him to finish my tasks. My brother had the symptom of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and scared when my parents were not here; therefore I needed to be very patient, took my time to work with him, calmed him down every time he was angry or cried. Thus when I finished with my brother, it was eight o’clock, I helped my grandma do some chores, brushed my brother teeth and slept with him. I had no time to do my homework until my brother fell asleep.
About an hour later, I woke up and did my own homework. I knew that doing homework at late night was not good, but I had no choice. I lied on the floor, turn on my table lamp even thought I was nearsighted, I did not want to wake up my brother. I finished Math, Science and Social Studies first because I knew these ones were easy for me. The last one was English that challenged me very much. I spent too much time to accomplish it. I used both English-English dictionary and Google translator to help me. I looked up each new word, then read again and answered the questions. At the end of the day, I learned by heart as much as new vocabularies as I could. Finally, I ended my day at about twelve or one o’clock and went to bed, I was really exhausted at this time.
After one year that I had been in the United States, everything became smoother for me. My brother was more peaceful and listened to me. In addition, my English improved so I felt more comfortable. When I met my old English teacher, she told me “Your voice improved so much, I can hear you now”, I was so happy at that time. I signed up for some clubs at school but I chose clubs that had meeting either in the morning or after school so that I could take care of my brother. I volunteered at some community services that happened at weekend. I felt happy when I helped people or worked with kids at Falls Feast or Camp Fire. One time, my Student Councils club went to Arlington to join the leadership day, I asked my mom that could she take care of my brother for me to go with my friends ? My mom said yes and I had fun on that day and learned many interesting things.
Now, I have been in America for nearly two years. Many important events in my life happened and I made significant decisions here. Both good things and bad things came to me and I overcame both. On the day my dad came in America, I thought that my hardest time was gone. Now, I work harder to build up my future in America.
 
#2
Ðề: admission essay for UT

Waiting for one more day in Japan because of the earthquake and tsunami, my mom, my brother and I finally were in America at Dallas-Fort Worth Airport. The long and strenuous journey seemed to predict a difficult beginning in America for my family. I knew that my new life started and I had to be stronger. Đoạn này là dư thừa

Câu chuyện của cháu là thật, nên rất là dễ viết. Hoàn cảnh và ý chí của cháu tôi biết rất rõ, nếu tôi viết bằng tiếng Anh có lẽ sẽ khiến nhiều người rơi lệ.

Một bài văn hay 1 cuốn truyện, tựa đề rất là quan trọng. CHỉ cần đọc tựa đề là người đọc đoán được có nên đọc hay không.

Tựa bài là: "Người Mẹ Bất Đắc Dĩ"

I - Mở bài

(Bắt đầu bằng tiếng hét của em cháu, trong lúc cháu đang làm homework, rồi cháu phải ngưng chăm sóc cho em cháu, sau khi take care cho nó xong cháu đã mệt nhoài và thiếp đi.)

II - Thân bài

1 - Kể lại câu chuyện gia đình cháu tới Mỹ và vì sao ba cháu phải ở lại Việt Nam ----> mẹ cháu đi làm ----> cháu phải thay mẹ chăm sóc cho em (giải thích nó bị bịnh gì) ---> cảnh cháu phải chùm mền học bài bằng đèn bin, vì sợ làm mẹ và em cháu thức giấc ---> sáng thức dậy vào lớp với bộ mặt bơ phờ vì thiếu ngủ ----> khó khăn trong trường học ----> cuối cùng cháu cũng lấy xong bằng high school, nhưng bị lỡ kỳ tuyển sinh của năm ngoái.

2 - Gia đình khuyên cháu vào community college học, nhưng với quyết tâm vào UT để trở thành khoa học gia làm việc cho NASA, bằng mọi cách và lòng quyết tâm, cháu ôn bài và thi SAT để đạt dư yêu cầu tối thiểu của UT, đồng thời cháu cũng tham gia các công tác xã hội và thiên nguyện khác. Vì cháu hiểu đựơc, cộng đồng là nền tảng của xã hội và quốc gia.

III - Kết luận

Tóm lựoc lại câu chuyện của cháu.


*** Viết lại đi, tôi dám chắc 100% với thành tích học hành của cháu và câu chuyện trong bài văn này UT sẽ nhận cháu và đồng thời cháu sẽ được nhiều học bổng của tư nhân ***

Nhớ cho kỹ: hãy để đọc giả tự hiểu khó khăn của cháu là gì và làm sao cháu khắc phục nó [Chăm sóc cho em & quyết tâm vào UT của cháu mặc dù người thân cháu cản trở. 2 cái này là ngon cơm rồi, không cần phải nói nhiều làm gì.] Tuyệt đối không xài chữ như: Because, therefore, hence, thus etc., trong admission essay. Những từ này sẽ khiến đọc giả đánh giá cháu là người yếu đuối, kém quyết tâm.
 

nhathan

Thành viên tích cực
#3
Ðề: admission essay for UT

Cháu cảm ơn chú, cháu sẽ viết lại bài ạ.

Trong lúc cháu viết lại bài trên thì cháu gửi bài thứ 2 cho chú review giúp cháu.

Choose an issue of importance to you—the issue could be personal, school related, local, political, or international in scope—and write an essay in which you explain the significance of that issue to yourself, your family, your community, or your generation.

Having been studying in America for one year, I feel luckier than many students in Vietnam. I have the opportunity to interact with the modern education of America, while many friends of mine still fight to get the knowledge everyday.
In America, the education system develops throughout the country, from the biggest city to the smallest one. Children, both poor and rich, have equal chance to go to schools. If parents can’t effort for their children’ education, these kids come to schools for free until they graduate from high school. If they go to colleges, they can find grants, scholarships or take loans. Not only gives the chances for children, American government but also gives good conditions for children to learn. Children borrow textbooks from school every school year. Each class has about twenty students so teachers can contact with every child. After school, students can stay at school to join extracurricular activities or play sports. Every school, from elementary school to university, has counselors to help students and give them advices. Farther than that, schools in America also offer English as a second language program for immigrant students to help them study in America. Students in America have chances to prepare for their future, make their dream come true and contribute to their country. So I’m not surprise that America is the most powerful nation in the world, a good education is a strong root for a tree grows.
Vietnamese education is left behind so far. In Vietnam, parents spend a large amount of money for school fees, textbooks and school supplies for their children every school year. Not only has that, parents also pay for tutors after school. If parents cannot afford the fee, their children will quit school. Although Vietnamese people pay too much for their kids’ education, they don’t get back the good result. Students have the heavy programs from first grade to twelfth grade. Every day, they go to school in the morning, take extra time in the afternoon at school, and come to teacher’s house to learn over in the evening. Finally, they go home at nine and start doing their work at schools. Extracurricular activities and sports are forgotten in schools, clubs are only uniform. It is completely stressful and horrible. Students don’t have time to relax, watching televisions and hanging out with friends like a luxurious gifts for them. So when Vietnamese students leave school and enter the life, they are so innocent and don’t have any experience about real society.
However, it is not a whole picture of Vietnamese education. Students who live in big cities seem to be luckier than students live in small towns. The economy of their families is better, the cultures exchange between countries and technologies make better conditions for these kids to get education. Otherwise, students who live in small towns face many difficulties on their studying road. Family contribution and limiting information are obstacles for them. They fight daily life so that they can come to school. If they graduate from high schools, it is a big success.
I was a Vietnamese student and I was providential that I lived in a modern town of Vietnam. I got a better education than many Vietnamese students. I remembered when I traveled to Ca Mau, I met a kid with his dad sold the lotteries on the streets. My parents talked with them and knew that his dad was a teacher. This made me think about too much. My mom was a teacher too and she could travel with her family in the summer. While the man did more job so as to maintain his family’s life. It’s so complicated.
For me, family and education are the foundation of the society. Nevertheless, the education of Vietnam is weak, it cannot form a strong base for the young generations. Then these young adults will not have enough knowledge and skills to contribute and develop Vietnam rather than weaken Vietnam. I want to help my country and what I can do now is studying well and helping as much students like me as I can. In the future, I hope the education of Vietnam will be better.
 
#4
Ðề: admission essay for UT

Ngốc ơi! Education là nan đề của nhiều quốc gia, kể cả Mỹ. Obama khi tranh cử hứa hẹn đủ thứ, nhưng chưa làm đựoc chuyện gì cho education ở Mỹ.

Bài đầu tiên cháu có thể dùng để xin học và dùng để xin private scholarship(s) rồi. Bài này nếu là homework chú cho cháu con "A", nhưng dùng làm admission essay thì boring lắm OK. Cháu so sánh nền giáo dục của VN & USA chuyện này ai cũng biết rồi. Nothing new.
 

nhathan

Thành viên tích cực
#5
Ðề: admission essay for UT

Cháu đã viết lại bài theo như chú gợi ý, có hơi khác chút xíu.

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!! My brother screamed while watching television. I stopped doing my homework and comforted him. He started crying and terrifying. Hugging him, I calmed him down. I knew that my brother was suffering a big shock. He felt that he lost his dad any his mom abandoned him. I told him that mom came home at late night and dad would come with us next year. He whimpered and gradually stopped crying. It was almost nine when he calmed down so I took him to brush his teeth and go to bed. I was tired and fell asleep with my brother.
I remembered the day my family got the visas but my dad had to stay in Vietnam because of his health. Only my mom, my brother and I came in America. From then, my family faced many disturbances. After a week in America, my mom had a night-ship job so I took care of my brother. My mom worried about my brother and me too much but I told her I was fine and I could take care of my brother. I knew that looking after my brother was not a simply task, he had the symptom of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder and scared when my parents left him at night. I needed to be very patient, took my time to work with him, calmed him down every time he was angry or cried. I spent many hours bathing my brother, feeding him, helping him do homework and reading book for him after school every day. It’s always 8 o’clock when I finished with my brother. Then I brushed his teeth and slept with him.
I woke up at late night and did my own homework. I lied on the floor, covered me by a blanket and turn on my table lamp even thought I was nearsighted because I did not want to wake up my brother and my mom. I finished all my homework quickly except English. English challenged me very much not only at school but also at home. I worked hard to accomplish it. I used both English-English dictionary and Google translator to help me. I looked up each new word, then read again and answered the questions. At the end of the day, I learned by heart as much as new vocabularies as I could. Finally, I ended my day at about twelve or one o’clock and went to bed, I was really exhausted at this time.
I got up at six in the morning so that I could prepare for my brother. I felt sleepy and tired. I came in class and tried to fight off the drowsiness. I listened to teachers carefully. I wanted to do at best at I could. Day by day, my English improved and I could listen to my teachers. When I met my old English teacher, she told me “Your voice improved so much, I can hear you now”, I was so happy at that time. I chose clubs that had meeting either in the morning or after school and I signed up for these to make sure that I could take care of my brother. I volunteered at community services that happened at weekend. I felt happy when I helped my community where I lived.
Time went so fast and I finally got a high school diploma and graduated only one year and two months in high school. I was sad when I missed the deadline for universities. My uncle told me to apply for community college but I knew my ability. I wanted to be an aerospace engineer and work in aviation field. I made a plan for myself that I took a year off. I spent my summer for studying the SAT and joining community services. I knew that when I helped my community, that means I contributed for the country. I also worked part-time at a market to integrate with life in America.
Now, I have been in America for nearly two years. Many important events in my life happened and I made significant decisions here. Both good things and bad things came to me and I overcame both. On the day my dad came in America, I thought that my hardest time was gone. I realized that if difficulties came in my life, I should stand up and overcome them instead of surrendering.
 

nhathan

Thành viên tích cực
#6
Ðề: admission essay for UT

bài essay cháu sửa lại rồi nè chú:
A surrogate Mom
A deafening scream brings me back from my day dream. I rush to the family room. My brother is throwing the remote control. His symptom of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder is coming. I step fast and stop him. The remote control drops on my foot. I jump and catch his hand. He starts punching my face. I hold his hands and push him down on the bed. He kicks my feet and tries to twist my arms, he is stronger than a six-year-old boy. I quickly pull my arms off him, take all dangerous stuffs like control or telephone out of his hand. He pulls my shirt, holds my legs and bites me. I shout and pull him out. He intends knocking my stomach, I turn my body and bring him to the bed again. He is tired now, lies on the bed and grips my hands. Sweat tears on the faces of both of us while the air conditioner is working. I always aware in case of my brother turns crazy again. It’s so lucky that he falls asleep. I breath a sign of relief and come back to finish my homework.
I lie on the floor, cover me by a blanket with a flash light inside. A mixture of Math, Chemistry, History and English is dancing in front of me. I have done nothing after school. My brother takes all my hours. When we get out of schools, Mom gives kisses for us and hurries to go to work. From then, I become a little Mom of my brother. I feed him, clean up his mess when he finishes and bath him. Then I force him to do his homework. My brother tries to deviates me by talking, laughing and finally terrifying. I find many ways to get him back to his homework. When we finish, it is always seven or eight. Both my brother and I have sweat on faces and are exhausted, the long fight takes our strength. I brush my brother teeth and take time to take care myself before doing school work.
I pick the Math and do first so as to lower the stress. It is night now and my Dad will call me in a couple of minutes. He has done that everyday since my Mom, my brother and I left Vietnam. I know that he only says about his health becomes better and he will come with me soon. He tries to encourage me. After his call, I focus on my homework. I do everything quickly except for the English, the challenging subject. I use both English-English dictionary and Google translator to help me. I always read the story three or four times before answering the question. After finishing the homework, I learn new vocabularies and arrange school papers, organize package for my brother. Then I go to bed. It is very late now.
The alarm wakes me up at six in the morning. I am ready before I wake my brother up and prepare for him. I am so headache and want to get back to the bed. I come in classes with the sleepy face. Fighting with the sleepiness is not easy. When teachers teach, I attempt to open my eyes and listen to them. It is hard for me to listen to them. Sometimes, I feel wind blows in my ears. And my terrible English adds more difficulty for me to pay attention to my teachers. I know that I need to study English more. The only way I can do is practicing and practicing. I talk, read books, listen to everybody and watch television. I also join clubs that have lunch meeting. It is convenient for me to take care of my brother. I volunteer for some events at weekend. I am happy when I help people and contribute for the society.
My new life in America brings me many difficulties. Being a little mom for a boy that has the symptom of the attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder is a challenge. I face the difficulties with a smile and defeat them. I tear off the bad things and bring the good things gradually. I want a smooth life and I will make it.
 
#7
Ðề: admission essay for UT

A surrogate Mom

A deafening scream brings me back from my day dream. I rush to the family room, the television lies on the floor while my brother is jumping on the sofa and chuckling. Catching my brother quickly, I pull him out of the room. He pulls my shirt while the other hand grabs my hair, using his mouth to bite me. I turn my body, catch his hand as he is punching my face. Until I feel he is tired, I push him down on the sofa, and finally breathing a sigh of relief with sweat tears on my face when he falls asleep.

It is a year now since my Mom, my brother and I live in America, my Dad still stays in Vietnam to wait for his health becomes better. Since then, I become a little mom of my six-year-old brother to let my mom goes to work. Everyday, I feed him, clean up his mess when he finishes, bath him and guide him to do his homework. It is hard to take care of a boy who can become angry and terrify anytime a day. Sometimes, he makes scrape marks on my arms or even my face. Everytime I guide him to do his homework, a fight happens between us until we finish. It is time for him to go to bed and I free when he is on his dream.

Lying on the floor, covering me by a blanket with a flash light inside, a mixture of homework is dancing in front of me. I am tired and often fall asleep among the books and paper that are around me. I don’t surrender the sleepiness, my dream is working in aviation fields – I am obsessed with the scenes of NASA when I was a child - and it means I should work hard unless I want to give up. I do everything quickly except for the English, the challenging subject which make me use both English-English dictionary and Google translator to finish it. It is always mid night and I organize package for my brother, then go to bed with only six hours sleeping.

I wake up with a sleepy face at six in the morning, come in classes and fight with the headache and fatigue which are attacking me all day. Attempting to open my eyes, I listen to teachers carefully, while my terrible English struggles myself. I try to learn and practice English everyday to improve my ability, the first key of finding success in America. In addition, I schedule my time reasonably to join community services at weekend where I integrate with the community to learn about American life.
My new life in America brings me many obstacles. Being a little mom for a boy that has the symptom of ADHD is a challenge for me, a little girl who was taken care of by parents for years. I face the challenge, tear off the bad things and bring the good things gradually, make adaption with life in America
Your essay lacks a focus. You illustrate several hardships - your brother, newly immigrated and struggle with English - that you struggle with, and considering the length allowed for this essay, there is no way you can fully write about all three. Instead, you touch upon each hardship a tiny bit before wandering off to the next one.

You should pick one hardship to focus on - this should be the one that has the most significant impact on your life and that you are working towards solving/alleviating. It should be a compelling story. Certainly you can use other hardships to support your main focus, but you must ALWAYS keep the topic at the forefront of your essay. What this current draft does is cause me to think that your brother is the hardship you will be talking about, but it morphs into how you struggle with English instead.

The next step, is to think and write about how your future goals fit into the picture. How does working in the field of aviation fit into the image of your hardship? How does dreaming about this goal/aspiration inspire you to become passionate? To work harder to overcome your hardship? What have you done so far to overcome your hardship and get closer to your goals? EVERY sentence you write, should relate directly to your goal in one way or another. DO NOT BE GENERAL


Review by Vivian & Albert -- UW Sudents