Admission essay: Wrong choice

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#1
Cháu chào bác vha08,
Như bác đã nhắc nhở, cháu xin phép post bài essay của mình lên đây. Bài viết còn nhiều vụng về, mong bác nhận xét thẳng thắn và tỉ mỉ giúp cháu. Cháu cảm ơn bác.

WRONG CHOICE​

Dropping out of a national prestigious college is stupid, as my parents said, and attempting to get financial aid to study in the US at the age of twenty-one within five months sounds not wiser at all, as many people told me. If I am the person who made both of these choices, will the admission office believe in my ability and offer me a place?

When I made the difficult decision of leaving college, I had to struggle over my family’s disagreement as well as the public opinion. The reasons that I found no interest in numbers, graphs and economics theories, I was fed up with the old impractical things the teachers repeated lecturing but never believed, and I would still be me whether or not I had a degree (though college is a means that would bring me to a higher social ladder in this qualification-appreciating society, I understand) made no sense to them, they only said that I was such a silly and extravagant girl that easily got rid of a famous college every student dreamed of getting in. Despite all changes of their attitude to me, as I had anticipated, I was determined to do what I love. Going through the crisis, I finally balanced my life.

Interestingly, the balance lasted shorter than I hoped. Participating in community activities gave me many chances to visit the poor people living in remote areas in Vietnam. I met the children who climb over the rocky mountain and walk 10 kilometers per day to school, I met the poor parents who work hard from morning till night to earn a shade of money. A number of questions rose up in my heart. Flat roads might help them to go to the market more easily, electricity might turn out darkness in their houses, but what could really change the life of those people, what could bring to them the light of knowledge, what could lead them to a better life? Not that education?

The eager-to-learn eyes of the children recall me to many vivid images of a girl. In a picture at the age of seven, she was calling to ask the switchboard why the Earth and other planets kept hanging in mid air without falling down (and if yes, where would they fall down?) In another picture when she got twelve, she was reading Romance of the Three Kingdoms secretly in the locked bathroom. And in a picture of a classroom, she was debating enthusiastically about a Mathematics issue with her teacher… Since she pursued what others told her to do, I no longer could see her joy of learning.

Naturally, I desired to come back to college. Never before have I been as thirsty for knowledge as at the moment. Not because of opportunities for advancement, not because of society pressure or family expectation, the reason now is simpler than ever: I want to be a learner, in order that I could encourage those children to become learners.

I always think that college cannot make me succeed. But it can help awake the sleeping successful person inside me. And I also believe that there is no wrong decision. Once made it, you are already on your way to prove it is right.
 
#2
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Very well written essay.

Tuy nhiên, cháu không nên cho Adcom biết cháu bỏ học đại học ở Việt Nam. Cháu hãy viết về khả năng "Leadership skill" của cháu. Qua học bạ và các hoạt động ngoại khoá của cháu, CHỨNG MINH cháu có tài năng này. Khả năng lãnh đạo không phải ai cũng có (Năm ngoái, 16,000 đơn xin học vào University of Washington, và trong hơn 5000 học sinh được nhận, chỉ có 18 người được 'direct department acceptance'. và chỉ có 2 người có tài lãnh đạo)

Điểm mạnh nhất của cháu là khả năng lãnh đạo, hãy viết về tài năng này của cháu. Khi nào trường nhận cháu và gởi người về Việt Nam hay interview qua phone, nếu họ có hỏi thì mới giải thích chuyện cháu đổi major (đổ thừa trường ở Việt Nam không cho cháu cơ hội), trường không hỏi thì đừng nói ra.

Viết lại đi.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#3
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Dạ, con cảm ơn bác.

Vì con gap 3 years nên con có giải thích lí do rằng con học được 2 tháng sau đó ngưng vì không thích hợp (con phải attach cái mail này vào application form đấy ạ). Trường Bates cũng nhắc con viết thêm 1 bài luận về extra-curricular activities của con nên con sẽ chuẩn bị ngay, ngày mai con sẽ gửi bác. Lời khen của bác làm con đang mệt cũng trở nên rất phấn chấn, con sẽ cố gắng hết sức, mong bác cứ thẳng thắn chỉ ra cho con những lỗi dùng từ, đặt câu hay bố cục... để con review cho kĩ càng ạ. Nếu ko dùng bài này làm essay chính con có thể biến nó thành supp essay.

Con có thư giới thiệu của nơi con đang làm việc... Con tin sẽ là 1 great letter. Bates có 1 cái supp topic về leader, con sẽ viết và up nhờ bác đọc.

Con thực sự cảm ơn bác.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#4
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Bác ơi, con đọc lại và thấy bài viết đầu tiên của con còn nhiều cái thiếu logic quá. Con viết lại để nó trôi chảy hơn, tuy nhiên cũng đã dài hơn kha khá rồi ạ. Con rất thích đề tài này nên vẫn quyết định theo đuổi nó... Bác đọc và cho ý kiến giúp con thật nghiêm khắc bác nha, con cảm ơn bác nhiều.
---------------
WRONG CHOICE

Dropping out of a national prestigious college is stupid, as my parents said, and preparing for only 5 months to apply to another college in the US at the age of twenty-one is none the wiser, as many people told me. If I am the person who made both of these choices, will the admission office believe in my ability and offer me a place?

When I decided to leave college, I had already anticipated the fierce reaction of my family as well as the public opinion. They said that I was such a silly and extravagant girl that easily got rid of a famous college where every student dreamed of getting in. My friends, in contrast, envied me doing what they also wished to but dared not do. According to them, I was a brave girl.

Truth be told, none of them understood my true reason. I was neither impetuous nor courageous. I did it just because of my fear. I feared to waste time being where I did not have my heart, hence I left the place where the teachers repeated lecturing old impractical things and the students worked hard only because it would bring them to a higher social ladder in this qualification-appreciating society. And the bigger fear was that I am afraid of fixing my future in the general life-formula for Vietnamese women: study – graduate – get a job – marry – take care of home, thus I chose to become “a rebel”.

Being hopeless of finding my dream school, I started participating in a number of community activities. We went to remote areas to give people there warm clothes, to help them build roads, to connect electricity up to their houses, and so on. However, the more I saw, the more questions rose up in my heart… Flat roads might help the way to the market easier, but what could lead them to escape from poverty? Electricity might remove darkness in their houses, but what could help remove darkness in their mind? And I, what could I do more to build a better life for my community? I got stuck in my own questions. Once again I felt desperate.

The strange thing is, the harsh living conditions had no effect on the most innocent souls. In July, I went to a mountainous village to teach the children there in a summer course program. Their bright curious eyes gazing at me recalled many vivid images of a girl. In a picture at the age of seven, she was calling to ask the switchboard why the Earth and other planets kept hanging in mid air without falling down (and if yes, where would they fall down?) In another picture when she got twelve, she was reading “Romance of the Three Kingdoms” secretly in the locked bathroom since she was short-sighted and her parents banned her from reading too much. And in a picture of a classroom, she was debating enthusiastically about a Mathematics issue with her teacher… Suddenly, those memories awoke me from the long sleep.

Naturally but intensively, I desired to come back to college. Never before have I been as thirsty for knowledge as at the moment. I realized that college is the place where I nurse my love of learning. I will keep it like a primitive man kept his own fire, I will bring it from the East to the West, then back to my country, pass it to my beloved children. Afterwards, there will be their turns to keep their own fire, and pass them to the next generations. The fire will keep burning, enlightening our mind and warming our hearts - that is what I call “The magic of education”.

I myself always believe that there is no wrong choice. Once made it, you need to prove it is right. In my dictionary, "a choice" is synonymous with "a change", and "making a change" also means "getting a chance". I am happy to make my own choice, thus I am determined on my way to convince everyone that I deserve to have an opportunity.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#5
Bates supplementary essay

Thưa bác vha08,
Con vừa viết xong bài luận phụ của Bates, mặc dù đã xong nhưng con vẫn cảm thấy có gì đó thiếu thiếu và chưa được sâu, cũng như chưa sát đề cho lắm??? Mong bác đọc và cho ý kiến giùm con. Con cảm ơn bác nhiều.
Ngọc Anh

----------------------------
BATES SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY

Comment on how this phrase of Bates mission statement inspires you and draws you to Bates: “preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”

Two years ago, I used to refuse from time to time when people elected me as the leader of a group, since I felt that I did not have as much knowledge and skills as other members. One day, the director of my organization (who is also an elder brother I respect very much) asked me why I always tried to hide myself although I was a potential leader. When I told him about my invisible fear, he listened attentively and then smiled. “There are two types of leaders, Na. One is those who know all, like President Ho Chi Minh. Another is those who learn all.” “But President Ho Chi Minh also traveled and learned many things for 30 years before coming back to Vietnam.”, said I. “Yes, you’re right. Now you know that every leader needs to learn. No one knows everything since he was born. Don’t be afraid of people who are better than us. The true leader is not necessary the best one, he is just the person who is thirsty of learning from others most and wants to do something great. Are you that one, Na?”

It was the first lesson of how to become a leader in my life. Simply but deeply, it became the most important guideline in my volunteer career. When I read the Bates mission statement, I realized that Bates and I are a perfect-match. On my journey towards a true leader, Bates will be a great environment for me to prepare myself “sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”.

At Bates, I always see an open-minded spirit as well as the happiness of learning from the others. At Bates, I never see anyone says: “I’m a Batesie, so I am better than others, and I deserve to have better things.” At Bates, I have chances to practice what I learn from smart people by participating in abundant activities on campus. The love of learning will remind me to avoid being a self-satisfied and conservative person, because I believe once you think you are “good enough to lead the others”, you will let yourself stop while people around you keep moving forward.

At Bates, I can meet people who are willing to share with me a great passion for the big concerns no matter how young they are, which I never could have done in my country. The story about a Bates student who denied a huge offer to work in America and came back to Nigeria after graduating a top prestigious medical school has inspired many generations including me. Some people say I am impractical when I confess my dream of being the first female Prime Minister in Vietnam only because I am a girl and I am young. At Bates, I know that every student is prepared to take charge of responsible stewardship like this, regardless of genders, ethnics, nationalities or ages…

It is Bates to the best of my knowledge. It is Bates that I expect to get in. It is Bates where I would love to experience, to discover and to grow up. Bates looks forward to a leader-to-be and I also look forward to a leader-developing-environment. I found that Bates is all that I want and I hope Bates will consider me as a promising student.
 
#6
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Bác ơi, con đọc lại và thấy bài viết đầu tiên của con còn nhiều cái thiếu logic quá. Con viết lại để nó trôi chảy hơn, tuy nhiên cũng đã dài hơn kha khá rồi ạ. Con rất thích đề tài này nên vẫn quyết định theo đuổi nó... Bác đọc và cho ý kiến giúp con thật nghiêm khắc bác nha, con cảm ơn bác nhiều.
---------------
WRONG CHOICE

Dropping out of a national prestigious college is stupid, as my parents said, and preparing for only 5 months to apply to another college in the US at the age of twenty-one is none the wiser, as many people told me. If I am the person who made both of these choices, will the admission office believe in my ability and offer me a place?

When I decided to leave college, I had already anticipated the fierce reaction of my family as well as the public opinion. They said that I was such a silly and extravagant girl that easily got rid of a famous college where every student dreamed of getting in. My friends, in contrast, envied me doing what they also wished to but dared not do. According to them, I was a brave girl.

Truth be told, none of them understood my true reason. I was neither impetuous nor courageous. I did it just because of my fear. I feared to waste time being where I did not have my heart, hence I left the place where the teachers repeated lecturing old impractical things and the students worked hard only because it would bring them to a higher social ladder in this qualification-appreciating society. And the bigger fear was that I am afraid of fixing my future in the general life-formula for Vietnamese women: study – graduate – get a job – marry – take care of home, thus I chose to become “a rebel”.

Being hopeless of finding my dream school, I started participating in a number of community activities. We went to remote areas to give people there warm clothes, to help them build roads, to connect electricity up to their houses, and so on. However, the more I saw, the more questions rose up in my heart… Flat roads might help the way to the market easier, but what could lead them to escape from poverty? Electricity might remove darkness in their houses, but what could help remove darkness in their mind? And I, what could I do more to build a better life for my community? I got stuck in my own questions. Once again I felt desperate.

The strange thing is, the harsh living conditions had no effect on the most innocent souls. In July, I went to a mountainous village to teach the children there in a summer course program. Their bright curious eyes gazing at me recalled many vivid images of a girl. In a picture at the age of seven, she was calling to ask the switchboard why the Earth and other planets kept hanging in mid air without falling down (and if yes, where would they fall down?) In another picture when she got twelve, she was reading “Romance of the Three Kingdoms” secretly in the locked bathroom since she was short-sighted and her parents banned her from reading too much. And in a picture of a classroom, she was debating enthusiastically about a Mathematics issue with her teacher… Suddenly, those memories awoke me from the long sleep.

Naturally but intensively, I desired to come back to college. Never before have I been as thirsty for knowledge as at the moment. I realized that college is the place where I nurse my love of learning. I will keep it like a primitive man kept his own fire, I will bring it from the East to the West, then back to my country, pass it to my beloved children. Afterwards, there will be their turns to keep their own fire, and pass them to the next generations. The fire will keep burning, enlightening our mind and warming our hearts - that is what I call “The magic of education”.

I myself always believe that there is no wrong choice. Once made it, you need to prove it is right. In my dictionary, "a choice" is synonymous with "a change", and "making a change" also means "getting a chance". I am happy to make my own choice, thus I am determined on my way to convince everyone that I deserve to have an opportunity.

One big word. Cliché
You and the Adcom at Bates might think the second essay is better, however, I, myself like your first essay very much.
 
#7
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Two years ago, I used to refuse from time to time when people elected me as the leader of a group, since I felt that I did not have as much knowledge and skills as other members. One day, the director of my organization (who is also an elder brother I respect very much) asked me why I always tried to hide myself although I was a potential leader. When I told him about my invisible fear, he listened attentively and then smiled. “There are two types of leaders, Na. One is those who know all, like President Ho Chi Minh. Another is those who learn all.” “But President Ho Chi Minh also traveled and learned many things for 30 years before coming back to Vietnam.”, said I. “Yes, you’re right. Now you know that every leader needs to learn. No one knows everything since he was born. Don’t be afraid of people who are better than us. The true leader is not necessary the best one, he is just the person who is thirsty of learning from others most and wants to do something great. Are you that one, Na?”

[Keep in mind that the Adcoms don’t need you to lecture them.]

Comment on how this phrase of Bates mission statement inspires you and draws you to Bates: “preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”

Bates asks you to COMMENT on their Mission Statement

Leading a group isn't easy. Sometimes it's frustrating. Sometimes it's exasperating. Sometimes the urge to cry or scream is overwhelming. Sometimes you join the group in getting sidetracked without realizing it. Sometimes it's productive, but more often it is a chaotic scramble to find something for the group member who has nothing to do before he wanders off into their own daydreams. Leading a group isn't about being at the head of everyone else; it's a constant balancing act between so many spinning plates that focusing on one will make all the others topple. It's about directing and nagging and watching and guiding.
http://xuatnhapcanh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=9141
This person is a truth leader

It was the first lesson of how to become a leader in my life. Simply but deeply, it became the most important guideline in my volunteer career. When I read the Bates mission statement, I realized that Bates and I are a perfect-match. On my journey towards a true leader, Bates will be a great environment for me to prepare myself “sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”.

At Bates, I always see an open-minded spirit as well as the happiness of learning from the others. At Bates, I never see anyone says: “I’m a Batesie, so I am better than others, and I deserve to have better things.” At Bates, I have chances to practice what I learn from smart people by participating in abundant activities on campus. The love of learning will remind me to avoid being a self-satisfied and conservative person, because I believe once you think you are “good enough to lead the others”, you will let yourself stop while people around you keep moving forward.

At Bates, I can meet people who are willing to share with me a great passion for the big concerns no matter how young they are, which I never could have done in my country. The story about a Bates student who denied a huge offer to work in America and came back to Nigeria after graduating a top prestigious medical school has inspired many generations including me. Some people say I am impractical when I confess my dream of being the first female Prime Minister in Vietnam only because I am a girl and I am young. At Bates, I know that every student is prepared to take charge of responsible stewardship like this, regardless of genders, ethnics, nationalities or ages…

It is Bates to the best of my knowledge. It is Bates that I expect to get in. It is Bates where I would love to experience, to discover and to grow up. Bates looks forward to a leader-to-be and I also look forward to a leader-developing-environment. I found that Bates is all that I want and I hope Bates will consider me as a promising student.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#8
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Thank you so much, I will rewrite the supp essay (I don't like it either). About the personal statement, could you help me to proofread the first one? I myself will check it too. I agree with you... the 1st one is much more original...
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#9
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Cháu chào bác vha08,
Cháu kính chúc bác và gia đình 1 năm mới an lành, may mắn và hạnh phúc. Cháu rất cảm ơn sự giúp đỡ chỉ bảo tận tình của bác trong thời gian vừa qua dành cho cháu.
Cháu xin gửi bác bài essay final cháu gửi cho Bates. Cháu định gửi cho vài trường deadline Jan 15 nữa, nên cháu nhờ bác comment thêm cho cháu ạ. Cháu cảm ơn bác nhiều.

--------------------

MY ADVENTURE TO COLLEGE​
Dropping out of a national prestigious college is mindless, and preparing within only five months to apply to an American college at the age of twenty-one sounds none the wiser, as many people say. If I am the person who made both of these choices, will the Admission Office believe in my ability and offer me an admission?

Throughout eighteen years of my existence in life, I had always been reminded to attempt to get in a college so that my life would be much brighter than my parents’ ones. “College makes you succeed in life”, I knew my parents had their own reason to think like that. They never had chance to study higher, and since they had to struggle very hard to make a living, they would not place us at the same disadvantage at all costs. I obeyed them and passed the National Entrance Examination.

I started doubting what my parents had said since I realized the college I got in was not what I had dreamed of. I did not know why my teachers repeated lecturing the old impractical things which they never even believed. I could not explain the fact that many students studied only because a degree would bring them to a higher social ladder in this qualification-appreciating society. I wondered where I was standing and what I wanted to become. Being unable to find out a suitable response, I decided to leave school and do something which I thought was more realistic to contribute to the community.

I voluntarily went to many remote areas in Vietnam in order to help the poor people build roads, to give them warm clothes for winter, to connect lectricity up to their houses, and so on. However, the more plights I saw, the more questions rose up in my heart. Flat roads might help the way to the market easier, but what could help them get out of poverty? Electricity might help remove darkness from their houses, but what could remove darkness from their minds? Once again I asked myself many questions, but none of which I could answer.

In July 2011, I went to teach the people in a mountainous village in Northern Vietnam under a summer charity program. I met the children who climbed over the rocky mountain and walked ten kilometers per day to school. I met the parents who worked hard from morning till night to earn just a little money. Nevertheless, poverty seemed to be incapable of killing their fondness for knowledge. All of them attended my class, irrespective of age and gender. They were eager to learn whatever I taught them. Their bright curious eyes gazing at me suddenly awoke me from a long sleep.

Naturally but intensively, I desire to come back to college. Never before have I been as thirsty for knowledge as at the moment. Not because of opportunities for advancement, not because of society pressure or family expectation, the reason now is simpler than ever: I want to be a learner, thus I can encourage those people to become learners.

Getting in and dropping out, then coming back again, I may be considered as an impetuous girl. However, three years off from school is a valuable period of time that helps me recognize what I am looking for at college, and how I should prepare for the coming time. Now, I understand that college is not the Aladdin’s carpet which can bring me to success in the blink of an eye, but it could help me discover my hidden abilities and learn how to attain my dream.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#10
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

Thưa bác, đây là bài supplementary essay cháu viết lại cho Bates ạ.
-------
BATES SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY​
Although being a leader is a big dream of my life, sometimes my inferiority causes me to wonder whether or not I should apply to a school which demonstrates a great pride of its strong community of leaders. However, when I read the Bates mission statement, I know that Bates is the place which I would like to be in my next four years: “preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”.

Bates shows me which virtues Bates regards as the essential factors of a true leader. I do not need to be the one who knows all; the more important thing is to nurture my love of learning. I can learn and I should learn from everywhere: from books, from professors, from my friends and the others I meet in my life. Learning now is not a duty but a passion. This pure love will prevent me from being subjective or self-satisfied; it will keep my mind wide open and encourage me to continue striving for mastery.

I have met many people fearing to take charge of anything although they are very wise, and I feel very sorry for them that they cannot use their deep and wide knowledge to help more people. I, in contrast, always desire to contribute a part to the development of society, no matter how small it is. Because for me life is not just to take, I believe that taking on a commitment is a way to pay it forward to what I have received from this life. Bates lets me know that I am right.

Unlike other colleges, Bates does not make me feel that I need to be an outstanding leader to get in. Bates convinces me that the next four years is the time to prepare more carefully and comprehensively for coming responsibilities in the future. Bates inspires and empowers me to join its wonderful community to develop myself.

It is Bates where I would love to experience, to discover and to grow up. Bates looks forward to a potential leader and I also look forward to a leader-developing-environment. I know that Bates is all that I want and I hope Bates will consider me as a promising student.
 

daisykao

Thành viên mới
#11
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

@ruabo: I'm sorry but could you please not spam in this topic? It's an admission essay and I hope that you would comment about what I wrote, not about other people who I ask for help. I respect him and I don't want any post irrelevant to my posts. Thanks a ton!
 
#12
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

MY ADVENTURE TO COLLEGE

Dropping out of a national prestigious college is mindless, and preparing for five months to apply to an American college at the age of twenty-one sounds foolhardy. If I am the person who made both of these choices, will the Admission Office believe in my ability and offer me an admission?

All my life, I had always been reminded to pursue and complete college so that my life would be much brighter than my parents’ lives. “College helps you succeed in life”, I knew my parents had their own reason to think like that. They never had a chance to study higher, and since they had to struggle very hard to make a living, they would not place us at the same disadvantage at all costs. I obeyed them and passed the National Entrance Examination.

I started doubting what my parents had said since I realized the college I got in was not what I had dreamed of. I did not know why my teachers repeatedly lectured the old impractical things not even they believed in. I could not explain the fact that many students studied only because a degree would move them to a higher social ladder in a qualifications-driven society. I wondered where I was standing and what I wanted to become. Being unable to find a suitable answer, I decided to leave school and do something which I thought was more productive to contribute to the community.

I voluntarily went to many remote areas in Vietnam in order to help the poor people build roads, to give them warm clothes for winter, to connect electricity up to their houses, and so on. However, the more plights I saw, the more questions rose up in my heart. Flat roads might help the way to the market easier, but what could help them get out of poverty? Electricity might help remove darkness from their houses, but what could remove darkness from their minds? Once again I asked myself many questions, but none of which I could answer.

In July 2011, I went to teach the people in a mountainous village in Northern Vietnam under a summer charity program. I met the children who climbed over the rocky mountain and walked ten kilometers per day to school. I met the parents who worked hard from morning till night to earn just a little money. Poverty seemed to be incapable of killing their fondness for knowledge. Nevertheless, all of them attended my class, irrespective of age and gender. They were eager to learn whatever I taught them. Their bright curious eyes gazing at me suddenly awoke me from a long sleep.

Naturally but intensively, I desire to come back to college. Never before have I been as thirsty for knowledge. Not because of opportunities for advancement, not because of society pressure or family expectation, the reason now is simpler than ever: I want to be a learner.

Getting in and dropping out, then coming back again, I may be considered as an impetuous girl. However, three years off from school is a valuable period of time that helps me recognize what I am looking for at college, and how I should prepare for the coming time. Now, I understand that college is not the Aladdin’s Genie which can bring me to success in the blink of an eye, but it could help me discover my hidden abilities and learn how to attain my dream.
  • "None the wiser"]means unaware of. Foolhardy is a better word. Because you are perfectly awared of what you are doing.
  • Throughout eighteen years of my existence in life Rule of thumb for any good writing: say what you want as concisely as you can. This avoids long-winded, redundancy and exasperation on the part of the reader. In this case, you can say: ‘my whole life’ or ‘throughout my life’ or ‘for eighteen years’.

    One other consistency: Are you 21 or 18? Your first paragraph implies that you are 21, but your second states that you are 18. Are you referring to specific period of your life? Or your life as a whole? The former eliminates the inconsistency, but requires further clarification. The latter IS the inconsistency.
  • attempt to get in a college Because you’re writing about yourself, ALWAYS be sure of what you want to say and that it means EXACTLY as you want it to mean. Why attempt? It makes no provision for your intent to succeed. Why not pursue and complete college? A much more concrete position.
  • realistic Productive or meaningful is a better word
  • Nevertheless A word like ‘nevertheless’ is a either concession or a rebuttal to some previous statement you’ve made. I am unclear as to what you are referring to.

    The problem here is problem that you’ve put this in sentence too early in this paragraph. Perhaps after “All of them attended…gender” or at the very end of the paragraph.
  • that moment It may lead the reader think that only a moment in your life which you are thirsty for knowledge
  • thus I can encourage those people to become learners Ambiguous purpose. Who are ‘those people’? And why do you believe being a learner should be encouraged?
  • Aladdin’s carpet a Genie who granted Aladdin his wish.

three years off from school is a valuable period of time that helps me recognize what I am looking for in college
Very strong and convincing conclusion I am convinced, so do the Adcoms at bates. Good job.
 
#13
Bates Supplement Essay

BATES SUPPLEMENTARY ESSAY

Comment on how this phrase of Bates mission statement inspires you and draws you to Bates: “preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world”

You make the same mistake twice.

Since 1855, Bates College has been dedicated to the emancipating potential of the liberal arts. Bates educates the whole person through creative and rigorous scholarship in a collaborative residential community. With ardor and devotion —Amore ac Studio — we engage the transformative power of our differences, cultivating intellectual discovery and informed civic action. Preparing leaders sustained by a love of learning and a commitment to responsible stewardship of the wider world, Bates is a college for coming times.
When I read the Bates mission statement, I know that Bates is the place which I would like to be for my next four years. Bates shows me which virtues Bates regards as the essential factors of a true leader..."

What are those essential factors. Show to Bates that you have a leadership skill through your volunteer works, and to prove to them you are a true leader.

No more than 300 words.

Viết lại đi
 
#14
Ðề: Admission essay: Wrong choice

bác ơi con apply Bates ED2 bị deferred rồi ạ, theo bác con nên làm gì để tăng chance được accepted bây giờ hả bác? năm nay có 1 bạn Việt Nam học ở Maine được accept ED2 rồi ạ.
Lỗi của cháu cũng như nhiều học sinh Việt khác là không chấp nhận "Bị ném đá". Cháu còn 1 cơ hội chót, nghĩa là mặc dù bị "Rejected early decision 2" hồ sơ của cháu vẫn đựoc trừong duyệt xét. Vậy cháu cần phải làm những chuyện sau:

1 - Viết 1 lá thư gởi tới adcom, cám ơn họ và nhắc khéo lại việc cháu chọn Bates. (No more than 500 words)
2 - Nhờ thầy/cô nào biết cháu rõ nhất gởi thư thăm hỏi về việc xin học của cháu (Tốt nhất là cháu viết rồi đưa cho họ ký tên cho nhanh) (No more than 500 words)

Good luck