[Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#1
Beginning after the day ending March

Summer 2013, I co-founded MH Bakery with my close friend, Mai. Our Bakery’s logo is a face smiling from ear to ear, just as Mai’s smile. This had been my best summer ever because I had chances to own a business for the first time.

I once heard that first six months were the most difficult time with most startups. But my business had smoothly operated through its first six months. Albeit busy with marketing strategy and financial calculation, I was always proud because I had brought smiles to my customers from Northern to Southern Vietnam, from a girl buying cake for her brother to a boy requesting cupcakes for his friend. Gradually, my business developed so much that I needed to hire my two roommates. I even thought that I would organize a big event on the first birthday of MH Bakery.

However. Yes. My story needed a “However”. In December 2013, my co-founder entered her final exams in college and could not spend much time on baking. Mainly responsible for administrating my bakery, I could not do everything from baking to selling. Besides, my two roommates were not qualified enough. Finding a deft baker as Mai was not easy. Gradually, I had to refuse some orders. From December to January to February to March, my business was forgotten by my customers and sometimes, by me. At that time, my bakery only had four to five orders each month.

In a day ending March, I thought of my bakery. What I should do next? I could not imagine my life without a business. I had two solutions. First solution was continuing and solving problems of MH Bakery. Its problems mainly were human resources. Second solution was founding a new business after lessons from the first one. Continue after the failure or begin from the zero? Close MH Bakery or not?

“Ding-dong.” - Mai came to see me.
“Sorry. I cannot continue. I … decide to withdraw. Because, you know, now is late March and I have tons of final exams, so …”
“I understand.” – I interrupted her and said nothing for a few minutes.

“Ding-dong.” What’s next? Could you guess what would happen? Could not imagine that all these events happened in an afternoon! For the first time in my Bakery’s history, a customer come to return a cake. Yes, return! Receiving the cake, my co-founder and I only could do one thing: Giving each other half smiles – sympathetic and condolent smiles. Close MH Bakery or not? My co-founder withdrew. My customer returned cakes. As usual, with my character, the answer was definitely No. In this time, I decided:

“We will have a celebration tonight to celebrate … The Last Day of MH Bakery. And the main dish was that cake. Why one could return a delicious cake?” – I remembered we made such cakes successfully for various times. What about the first birthday of MH Bakery in June? Forgot it!
“Celebrate the last day!”

We ate together. After tasting, we saw each other and burst out a laugh. It was actually bad. Perhaps, we were mistaken sugar and salt. At night, we played guitar and sang together. Nothing is better than a bad cake with two bad voices. My co-founder laughed so much. Her smile was an open mouth smile, which let me see all of her teeth. A laugh at a difficult time. I remembered my Bakery! Its logo was a face smiling from ear to ear. I chose a smiley face to be my logo because I wanted my business would bring smiles to my customers, and more than that, I wanted my business would always smile despite challenges. This logo was mine. MH Bakery was mine. Delicious cakes were mine. Customers’ compliments were mine. The failure was mine. The salty cake was mine. This happy moment was mine. Yes! I love them all. Both success and failure. Both happiness and sadness. Because I myself created all of them. Because I followed my passion. Why I needed to be so depressed? In the future, I would face much more hardships than this one. I would not let a failure dispirit me.

After saying goodbye to Mai, I took my laptop. Clicking to the folder “MH Bakery”, I reread all the problems of my first start-up. Clicking to the folder “Huyen’s ideas”, I reread all of the business ideas I wrote before. And I decided what I would do next!

The beginning of November 2014 celebrated seven months of my Standardized Test Online Bookstore. And it did not meet problems about human resources. Actually, it did not matter I closed MH Bakery or not, the importance was I still do business. Becoming a successful businesswoman is not easy, I know. Lack experience, I could accumulate in my life. Lack knowledge, I could find in college. And I knew would overcome all difficulties with one thing that I never lack: my spirit! I remember when I was a child, my father always let me sit in military tanks in his workplace. Let me hold the steering wheel, he smiled to me and said “You can control your life even in ups and downs. Be strong, my girl!”
 
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huy.hoang711

Thành viên tích cực
#2
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

1. Em da tham khao bai viet cua chu Vha chua?
2. Em da tham khao duoc bao nhieu essay cua cac sinh vien dat hoc bong roi?

Ngay ca cau dau tien trong bai essay cua em cung da rat toi nghia, anh doc hoai cai tua de ma khong hieu duoc nghia cua no la gi ca.
 

PhuongChau

Diễn đàn XNC
#3
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

1. Em da tham khao bai viet cua chu Vha chua?
2. Em da tham khao duoc bao nhieu essay cua cac sinh vien dat hoc bong roi?

Ngay ca cau dau tien trong bai essay cua em cung da rat toi nghia, anh doc hoai cai tua de ma khong hieu duoc nghia cua no la gi ca.
Khi post bài bạn cần phải viết chữ có dấu, vì đây là quy định chung của diễn đàn.
Yêu cầu bạn chấp hành theo nội quy, và hợp tác tốt với diễn đàn.
 

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#4
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

1. Em da tham khao bai viet cua chu Vha chua?
2. Em da tham khao duoc bao nhieu essay cua cac sinh vien dat hoc bong roi?

Ngay ca cau dau tien trong bai essay cua em cung da rat toi nghia, anh doc hoai cai tua de ma khong hieu duoc nghia cua no la gi ca.
1. Cảm ơn anh ạ. Em đã đọc bài "Nghệ Thuật Viết Văn bằng Anh Ngữ - The Art of English Writing" của chú Vha và rất nhiều essay của các sinh viên đạt học bổng. Nhiều ở đây là tầm con số 100. Tất cả những gì e có thể tiếp thu được em đã cố gắng cho vào Draft1 này, nhưng như anh thấy vẫn còn rất nhiều thiếu sót, nên mong mọi người góp ý chi tiết ạ.

2. Về câu tựa đề thì em lấy sự kiện chính trong câu chuyện. Nghĩa là Khởi đầu sau thất bại. Anh đọc xong cả bài có thể góp ý cho e về tựa đề nào ko ạ? Trong bài có những hình ảnh chính là: Cake, Smiley. Bài viết chủ yếu nói về Doing business và Never give up, cái failure trong bài thể hiện No pain. No gain. Em thực sự chưa biết kết nối hết lại để tìm ra 1 tựa đề ntn.

Nhận xét về PS của bản thân em:
1. Message phần kết chưa mạnh
2. Climax cần đẩy lên nữa
3. Phần giải quyết climax và nhấn mạnh passion về business cần trọng tâm hơn
4. Cần deep thinking hơn nữa (phần cuối)
5. Từ ngữ của em chưa ổn
6. Bài viết >800 words quá dài, cần cắt về 650 words nhưng em chưa biết nên cắt phần nào.

Mong nhận được thêm những nhận xét chi tiết từ mọi người. Em cảm ơn nhiều!
 

Nam Nguyen

Thành viên mới
#5
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Câu đầu tiên da~ sai roi`: My friend and I ....... Thêm nữa, first six months chu' ko phai la` six first month. Moi' doc den' do' thoi. Bai viet can sua nhieu lam'.
Sorry admin, mod, tu nhien khong viet duoc tieng Viet
 

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#6
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Câu đầu tiên da~ sai roi`: My friend and I ....... Thêm nữa, first six months chu' ko phai la` six first month. Moi' doc den' do' thoi. Bai viet can sua nhieu lam'.
Sorry admin, mod, tu nhien khong viet duoc tieng Viet
Cảm ơn anh. Không viết đc t.v thì anh có thể nhận xét bằng t.a cũng được ạ. Mong anh nhận xét cả về grammar, từ ngữ và nội dung. Sau khi nhận các nhận xét của mọi người, em sẽ lại draft cho idea này và gửi lại lên XNC. Cảm ơn mọi người nhiều!
 
#7
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Cháu cần chú ý những vấn đề này trước khi chọn đề tài để viết bài luận

1 - Contribution của cháu chỉ tầm $10 - $15,000 1 năm và cháu lại viết về kinh nghiệm làm kinh doanh đầu tiên của cháu, như vậy cháu tự mình có thấy nhiều mâu thuẫn hay không?

Financial aid có nghĩa là trợ giúp tài chính cho những học sinh không đủ tiền để chi cho việc học - cháu có tiền mở tiệm bánh thì ai tin cháu là không có tiền đây

2 - Viết essay có nhiều cách viết và nhiều thể loại NHƯNG tuyệt đối không xen loại dialogue vào loại narrative - kể cả học sinh Mỹ ít có ai có khả năng viết loại dialogue essay vì vậy cháu hay chọn loại narrative đi

3 - Lúc này chú rất là bận rộn, tuy nhiên chú đã hứa với cháu rồi thì sẽ giúp cháu hoàn thiện bài essay để lấy được học bổng.

4 - Essay
a - Chủ đề cho bài admission esay thì cháu hay chọn 1 hoạt động ngoại khóa nào cháu đã làm và hăng say nhất. Viết về đề tài này cháu sẽ thấy nó dễ viết hơn.

b - bài supplemental essay cháu đã chọn "Person most impact on you" nhiều đứa tụi nó viết về chú, cháu đã bỏ rất nhiều thời gian cày nát cái XNC này rồi vậy sao không chọn XNC hay chú.

Chú không comment bài văn của cháu vì tự cháu đã nhận ra còn quá nhiều lỗi.

*** Nhớ cho kỹ, bất kỳ 1 câu chuyên nào cũng phải có đầu có đuôi, như vậy người đọc mới hiểu được cháu muốn nói gì.***
 

huy.hoang711

Thành viên tích cực
#8
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Em nói đã tham khảo nhiều rồi, vậy em có biết là cấu trúc của một bài essay tiếng Anh là như thế nào chưa? Và tiêu chí để chấm là như thế nào?
 

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#9
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

July 2010. I, who used to have Trypanophobia, gazed at the protein bottle and the injection needle. The doctor held the needle and came closer to me.

When I was eight, I was small and weak. My height was under four foot. When my classmates weighted from 25-30 kg, my weight was below 20 kg. I always received 5/10 to 6/10 in Physical Education class because of my weakness. Then, I had forced myself into healthy exercises and diet. My parents and doctor said a proper plan would improve my size and health within five to six years. I did wait. But my modest size and health did not change much when I turn to the age of 14.

For 14 years, I gave up practicing guitar because my fingers were fairly weak, especially my pinky finger, and it was hard for me to hold it down on a string, albeit my mind could remember all the chords in every key. My legs were agile enough for volleyball, yet my modest height prevented me from participating in Volleyball team. My brain was deft enough for solving Math and Physics, but my health challenged me when I desired to participate in both Math and Physics competition in Grade 9, as my dad told that I would be worn-out if I followed two teams. Difficulties kept escalating. What on earth could I ever accomplish? Music, sport, study and many other dreams felt out of my control.

I, indeed, could take pride in my size. The truth was, I was short, but I could lead a group of taller peers to win the first prize in Mid Autumn Camp at school. I was slight, but I had been elected to be the vice-monitor of academic for four years. I might be “small in size”, but not “small in mind.” HOWEVER, I wanted to be bigger in both mind and size.

The injection needle had poked into my veins. Protein and nutrients gradually went into my body. After Math and Physics contests, my parents took me to the hospital, and the doctor requested me to take drip-feeding for a better health. If not, it would be hard for me to do everything I love. My parents told me that they would not let me study at High School for Gifted Students in Hanoi University of Science if I didnot cultivate my health.

One hour each time. Twice a month. For three months April, May and July 2010, I had taken drip-feeding. I wavered. It was not the fear of having an injection needle through my skin. It was the fear of being unable to follow my interests. As a girl with Trypanophobia, I thought of giving up. But I hit a sudden jolt. Guitar strings. Balls. Math and Physics. Always, I hummed in my imaginary a flowing rhythm, visualized myself with volleyball, and felt in my heartbeat an imagine of mine in intellectual contests. My eyes turned back to the protein bottle. My musicality, my agility and my favorite subjects must not be affected by my fear of the needle. I was about to enroll in High school, which was far from my parents’ care and the protein bottle.

Up to now, that day in July 2010 had been my last time to drip feed. After that, I continued to follow my strict exercise and diet in High school’s dormitory with the hope that my favorites would not refuse me due to my health and size. A hope, however slim it might be, was still tempting. My body, however slim it might be, was still trying. After my four-month-drip-feed at home and three-year-health-training in High school, my size and health improved! Now here I am, a girl with 46 kg and five foot three. With high heels, I can be five foot six tall, an impressive number with me-eight-year-old. With my improvements in health as well as in music, sport, and study, I am confident that I have grown up in both mind and size.

The moment my skin met the needle, something took shape. I call it my determination.
_______
Chủ đề bài mới này đã ổn chưa ạ? Nếu chưa thì cháu sẽ đăng bài về hoạt động ngoại khoá như chú vha dặn, tại cháu vẫn đang lên ý tưởng cho idea về HDNK chưa xong.
 
Chỉnh sửa cuối:
#10
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Chú sẽ theo câu chuyện của cháu lập ra 1 dàn bài và ý để cháu theo đó mà viết lại

Câu đầu tiên của cháu nó không liên quan gì tới đoạn kế tiếp cho nên nó trở nên là dư thừa cháu à

Cháu thử gom 2 hay 3 câu văn lại thành 1 câu đucợ hay không (complex sentence)

Chú ví dụ cho cháu xem nha

"When I was eight, I was small and weak. My height was under four foot. When my classmates weighted from 25-30 kg, my weight was below 20 kg."
At the age of eight, I was a hair short of 4 feet height and weight less than 45 bls; while all of my classmates are all much taller than me and well over 60 lbs.
 

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#11
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

[Draft2]

FEAR

I, who used to have Trypanophobia, gazed at the protein bottle and the injection needle while the doctor came closer to me. I let my mind come back to my childhood to forget the fear of needle.

At the age of eight, I was under four feet in height and weight less than 45lbs, while all of my classmates were much taller than me and well over 60lbs. I always received 5 to 6/10 on P.E. because of my fragility. My parents and doctor said that healthy exercises and diets would improve my size and health within five to six years. I did wait. But my modest size and health did not change much despite my efforts even when I turn to the age of 14.

For 14 years, I gave up practicing guitar because my fingers were weak, especially my pinky finger, and it was hard for me to hold it down on a string, albeit my mind could remember all the chords in every key. My legs were agile enough for volleyball, yet my modest height prevented me from participating in Volleyball team. My brain was deft enough for solving Math and Physics problems, but my health challenged me when I desired to participate in both Math and Physics competitions in Grade 9, as my dad told that I would be exhausted if I followed two teams. Difficulties kept escalating. I feared my own height and health. What on earth could I ever accomplish? Music, sport, study and many other dreams felt out of my control.

I, indeed, could take pride in my size because the truth was, I was short, but I could lead a group of taller peers to win the first prize in Mid Autumn Camp at school; I was slight, but I had been elected to be the vice-monitor of academic for four years. I might be “small in size”, but not “small in mind;” HOWEVER, I wanted to bigger in both mind and size.

The injection needle had poked into my veins, then protein and nutrients gradually went into my body. After Math and Physics contests, my parents took me to the hospital, and the doctor requested me to take drip-feeding for a better health. My parents even told me that they would not let me study at my favorite High school if I did not cultivate my health.

One hour each time. Twice a month. For three months April, May and July 2010, I had taken drip-feeding. I wavered. Was it the fear of having an injection needle through my skin? No, it was the fear of being unable to follow my interests. As a girl with Trypanophobia, I thought of giving up, but I hit a sudden jolt. Guitar strings. Balls. Science subjects. Always, I hummed in my imaginary a flowing rhythm, visualized myself with volleyball, and felt in my heartbeat an imagination of mine in intellectual contests. My musicality, my agility and my study must not be affected by my fear of the needle. I was about to enroll in High School.

Up to now, that day had been my last time to drip feed. In High school’s dormitory, I continued to follow my strict exercise and diet with the hope that my favorites would not refuse me again. My hope, however slim it might be, was still tempting. My body, however slim it might be, was still attempting. After my four-month-drip-feed at home and three-year-health-training in High school, my size and health improved! Now here I am, a girl with 100lbs and five foot three - well, five foot six with high heels, an impressive number with me-eight-year-old. My improvements in health as well as in music, sport, and study prove that I have grown up in both mind and size.

The thing I fear the most is neither the needle nor my height and health, but the incapability of pursuing my passions. The fear when my skin met the needle took shape. I call it my determination.
 
#12
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Bài văn của cháu ý tưởng lung tung, khiến người đọc không biết cháu muốn nói về chuyện gì. Trong bài này cháu muốn nói tới "Sợ chích" hay sợ chiều cao của cháu.

Bây giờ như vầy sẽ giúp cháu dễ viết hơn

Cháu hay viết về 1 công tác từ thiện nào của cháu đi.

Mở bài:

Giới thiệu về công tác từ thiệu này và lý do nào khiến cháu hung thú tham gia

Thân bài

Thuật lại công việc này (trong lúc làm việc cháu đã gặp sự trở ngài nào và làm thế nào cháu đã giải quyết hay vượt qua sự trở ngài này) và từ đó cháu đã học được điều gì.

Kết luận

Tóm tắt lại bài văn

*** Tập trung vào câu chuyện TUYỆT ĐỐI đừng đưa những gì không liên quan vào bài văn

Bây giờ chú cho cháu thấy những cái sai của mình để cháu hiểu được

I, who used to have Trypanophobia (No one knows what trypanophobia is. You need to either explain what this is or just get rid of these words since you already say what it is at the end of this paragraph. Don’t be repetitive),
gazed at the protein bottle and the injection needle while the doctor came closer to me. I let my mind come back to my childhood to forget the fear of needle.
(You’re not explaining anything with this paragraph. I can’t even tell that you’re scared of the needle at all. What exactly were you feeling when you saw that needle? Anxious? Panicked? Describe your feeling about the needle and how you acted)[/I]


I, indeed, could take pride in my size because the truth was, I was short, but I could lead a group of taller peers to win the first prize in Mid Autumn Camp at school; I was slight, but I had been elected to be the vice-monitor of academic for four years. I might be “small in size”, but not “small in mind;” HOWEVER, I wanted to bigger in both mind and size.
(What did you win first prize for? How does being short help you lead your team to victory? Vice monitor of academic is too vague. Most importantly, why are you talking about your height now? What happened to your fear of needles or even your poor health? This whole paragraph is out of place in your essay
 

huyen13st

Thành viên mới
#13
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Cháu xin tiếp nhận tất cả những đóng góp và chỉ dẫn của chú và cảm ơn chú nhiều ạ. Không phải cháu ko thích từ thiện mà bởi cháu thực sự muốn viết về những thứ cháu quan tâm hơn. Đây là idea mới ạ. Nó lại có 2 câu hội thoại (tại cháu cảm thấy cần thiết) và cũng viết theo lối gần tương tự bài trước. Nhưng cháu đã cố gắng kết nối các chi tiết và viết rõ ràng hơn. Hy vọng nó cũng sẽ khá hơn. Còn nếu ko, bài tới cháu sẽ viết thử về làm từ thiện. Chú cứ thẳng thắn phê bình. Cháu ko ngại tiếp thu và viết lại PS ạ.

It

My team was to present in the contest “Kawai Business Start-up” a project named “G’Le Monde” - a business plan about an Online school changing women’s life attitude and teaching both inner and outer beauty care. I came to this project in June 2013 after officially saying goodbye to It.

30 minutes left. My heart raced, and whenever it does, I always recollect my childhood memories to soothe my anxiety. Fragments of a cherishable moment more than ten years ago came - my father, a soldier, let me play in military tanks. However, in my life, whenever I was engulfed by It, I used to think that my dad would have been happier if the kid in the tank had been a boy.

The sound of heart beating pulled me to the present. Our team would compete with nine other teams in this round after overcoming over 150 other teams. Rereading our agenda, I stopped at two-word “pregnant women.” Since I was small, I have always heard the same topic – my grandparents would rather my parents had had a son. In Grade 6, when the number of times I heard that gender topic seemed uncountable, I felt It. In Grade 11, It grew when my mother aborted my siblings because they would have been twin girls. Turning to Grade 12, with It, I could not empathize that, my mother, being forty - an age that was too dangerous to have a baby, still decided to bear a baby despite having had two daughters. Mom had suffered a miscarriage, which meant she needed to go to hospital due to sexism again. May 17th 2013. Once more, It engulfed me.

“It could have been a boy.”

My kin’s statement made It too tight. As usual, I would argue back, but I restrained myself because I knew that, despite anything I said, nothing would change. My parents were also able to hear that sentence. Why could they be silent? Suppressing It within me, I gave my family kimbap I prepared at home and said nothing.

“The kimbap is great. A daughter is much better than a son.” – Dad’s encouragement struck me and … It.

I had already felt as if It were shaking. It had stuck to me for years. Now, I pulled It out of my mind. I pulled Anger out of my spirit. Anger made me think not thoroughly. My parents, just as me, were also the victims of my kin’s sexism attitude. My kin was also victims of traditional stereotypes of gender roles. While my kin’s statement helped me empathize my parents’ position, my father’s encouragement helped me replace It by empathy. Anger had gone. Empathy had come.

At 17, I took off my Anger about sexism unexpectedly. At 17, I understood that the opposite of Anger is not calmness, but empathy. I have wondered how people can meet a random chance to lose their Anger. None is born with Anger, yet many grow up and stick to their Anger: some towards their workplaces’ problems, some towards their relationships, and some, like me, towards family issues. Some manage to refuse It along the way and live a better life, yet others never take It off and live with It for the whole life. Only empathy can help me control It. Anger stole my energy and kept me from empathy. I said No to Anger about sexism, which did not mean sexism did not concern me. Anger could not solve the problems, but action without Anger can.

The chance came to me when I met like-minded friends with the idea of creating an Online school for women. The presentation that day could not solve sexism, but it was my first step to improve women’s world, especially my world. 7 minutes left. Fragments of the cherishable childhood memory came again. I saw an innocent girl without Anger. I saw my father’s happiness when playing with that girl. A girl who solves everything with empathy can bring dad happiness, which a boy cannot certainly bring. Anger made me smaller, while empathy forced me to grow beyond what I was.

5 minutes left. I was ready to realize my G’Le Monde!
 
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huy.hoang711

Thành viên tích cực
#14
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

nếu em dùng skype thì add anh: huy.hoang711@outlook.com trao đổi cho lẹ.
Anh không giỏi viết lách nhưng có thể giúp em việc bố cục và đánh bóng bài văn.
 

foreveralone

Thành viên tích cực
#15
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

Anh thì anh cũng ko giỏi về viết essay lắm, bằng chứng là ở vn môn tập làm văn điểm rất thấp. Nhưng theo quan điểm của anh thấy thì viết essay tiếng anh cũng giống như làm tập làm văn vậy, phải có mở bài, thân bài và kết luận. Anh đọc lướt bài của em thì chỉ thấy toàn là thân bài ko ah chứ ko có 2 cái kia. Đầu tiên em phải cho nguoi doc bit ý chính em mún nói là cái j, rồi tiếp theo mới kể chi tiết cái đó ra, cuối cùng là kết luận theo quan điểm của em. Anh thấy viết essay hay chủ yếu là idea và cách dùng từ, mà 2 cái này thì anh ko giỏi nên cũng ko dám ý kiến, còn về cấu trúc bài thì như nhau thôi
 
#16
Ðề: [Huyen's Personal Statement] Nhờ chú vha đọc và sửa hộ con bài essay ạ

My team was to present in the contest “Kawai Business Start-up” a project named “G’Le Monde” - a business plan about an Online school changing women’s life attitude and teaching both inner and outer beauty care. I came to this project in June 2013 after officially saying goodbye to It.

30 minutes left. My heart raced, and whenever it does, I always recollect my childhood memories to soothe my anxiety. Fragments of a cherishable moment more than ten years ago came - my father, a soldier, let me play in military tanks. However, in my life, whenever I was engulfed by It, I used to think that my dad would have been happier if the kid in the tank had been a boy.

The sound of heart beating pulled me to the present. Our team would compete with nine other teams in this round after overcoming over 150 other teams. Rereading our agenda, I stopped at two-word “pregnant women.” Since I was small, I have always heard the same topic – my grandparents would rather my parents had had a son. In Grade 6, when the number of times I heard that gender topic seemed uncountable, I felt It. In Grade 11, It grew when my mother aborted my siblings because they would have been twin girls. Turning to Grade 12, with It, I could not empathize that, my mother, being forty - an age that was too dangerous to have a baby, still decided to bear a baby despite having had two daughters. Mom had suffered a miscarriage, which meant she needed to go to hospital due to sexism again. May 17th 2013. Once more, It engulfed me.
Tại sao cháu mix 2 câu chuyện vào bài văn của cháu vậy

1 - Mở bài cháu giới thiêu về cái "Business plan's contest" thì đương nhiên sau phần giới thiệu cháu phải nói "TEAM" của cháu ai đại diện đứng ra trình bày cho ban giám khảo. "PRESENTATION" - CHÚ TƯỞNG CHÁU SẼ LÀ NGƯỜI ĐẠI DIÊN TEAM CỦA CHÁU ĐỨNG RA THUYẾT TRÌNH, rốt cuộc cháu lại mơ về dĩ vãng.

2 - Sexism (Gender discrimination hay gender inequality) cháu muốn nói về đề tài này thì hay bắt đầu bang quan niệm của ông bà cháu gây ảnh hưởng tới cha cháu rồi tới cháu là nạn nhân - cháu làm sao thay đổi được tư tưởng trong nam khinh nữa của ông bà/ cha cháu

Cháu chọn 1 đề tài rồi viết (đương nhiên sẽ phải sữa đi sửa lại) DO NOT WRITE A NEW TOPIC - PICK ONE AND STICK WITH IT

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