If you could be someone, who would you be? What would you do if you were him or her?

QuiAnLe

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#1
Chau chu, day la bai viet cua con, mong chu doc cho con y kien. Con cam on chu :1::1::1:

If you could be someone, who would you be? What would you do if you were him or her?

“Lo! In that house of misery
A lady with a lamp I see
Pass through the glimmering gloom,
And flit from room to room.”

That was a part of a famous poem written by Henry Longfellow about Florence Nightingale. Florence Nightingale was known as a person who laid the foundation of professional nursing with the establishment. I’ve admired Florence since the first time I read about her in “ what a life”. That book contains stories of amazing people and Florence was one of them. She made me change my mind thus if I could be someone, I would be Florence Nightingale.
Florence Nightingale was born and grew up in a rich and upper-class British family. At that time, nursing was a terrible and poor professor. That was why her family prohibited her. In 1844, Florence decided to enter nursing, despite the intense anger and distress of her mother and sister. In addition, she rebelled against the expected role for a woman of her status, which was just to become a wife and mother. Florence was very concerned in the conditional hospital for poor people and Aboriginal thus she did whatever she could in order to help them. In 1854, Florence and thirty-eight women volunteered nurses to go to Turkey. At there, they saw an awful scene. Soldiers being badly cared for by overworked medical staff in the face of official indifference. There was no equipment to process food for the patients. The number of died people always increased. Florence and the women worked very hard. They took care of patients very carefully. Florence worked twenty hours a day, almost all time of a day. At the age of forty-three, she got sick. While she was abed for the rest of her life, she still continued working to help others.

Reading her biography, I am so surprised. “How could she do that? What did make her strange like that?” She was really amazed. Florence made me so reflected. Because of her passion, patience and determination, Florence made me stronger and belief my-self. A dream will always be a dream if I never try hard and pursue it. Thinking about it is always easier than making it be real. Especially, medical branch is really challenge however Florence could do that. And she spent almost all of her life for medical branch. She was really a beautiful heroine of medicine. I want to be like her. I want to become a nurse.

I choose studying Bachelor degree of science – nursing. It is a four-year-program that leads to the BSN degree with emphasis on leadership, research and clinical practice. After graduating, I want to work in Army. That will be a wonderful chance for me to curtain space between theory and fact. I can practice, improve and learn how to think and work independent in my career. I can meet a lot of patients, speak with them, help them to solve their health problems and educate them on healthy living and preventive health care. I love to take care of people. Seeing their health better and better makes me feel very happy. Otherwise, living in military training, I will have a basic training included hours of classes, strenuous physical activity and wartime scenario training. I will sleep, eat and live the same unglamorous life of soldiers. That will be another opportunity for me because I love to challenge myself. Making joy, healthy and happiness for people is all of my dream. Pursuing a dream and make it come true are a big deal of my life. I am trying and will try my best in order to achieve my goal.
 
#2
Ðề: If you could be someone, who would you be? What would you do if you were him or her?

If you could be someone, who would you be? What would you do if you were him or her?

“Lo! In that house of misery
A lady with a lamp I see
Pass through the glimmering gloom,
And flit from room to room.” - Henry Wadsworth Longfellow
That was part of a famous poem written by Henry Longfellow about Florence Nightingale. Florence Nightingale was known as a person who laid for laying the foundation of professional nursing with the establishment [be specific. Which? Use your own words. US schools do NOT tolerate plagiarism in ANY form. Do not make a habit of this or it will cost you in the long run]. I’ve admired Florence since the first time I read about her in What a Life.”(*) [Insert/denote author or editor’s name [← Book titles are italicized and CAPITALIZED with the author or editor's name following after in essays.] That book contains stories of amazing people and Florence Nightingale was one of them. She made me change my mind [about what?change from what to what] thus if I could be someone, I would be Florence Nightingale.

Florence Nightingale was born and grew up into a rich and upper-class British family. At that time, nursing was a terrible and poor profession. That might has been a reason that her family considered her as an outcast. In 1844, (Florence) Nightingale [In academia, never use the first name. ALWAYS the last name unless you want to indicate familiarity with the person] decided to enter nursing, despite the intense anger and distress of her mother and sister. In addition, she rebelled against the expected role for a woman of her status, which was just to become a wife and mother. Florence was very concerned in the conditional hospital for poor people and Aboriginal thus she did whatever she could in order to help them. [What was she so concerned about? BE SPECIFIC. You cannot be vague; it doesn't give credence to your essay. It was sanitary and patient nutrition are her concerned]. In 1854, Florence and thirty-eight women volunteered to be nurses in Turkey. At there, they saw an awful scene. [← Combine these sentences →] Soldiers being badly cared for by overworked medical staff in the face of official indifference [What does this mean?]. There was no equipment to process food for the patients. The number of dead people always increased. Florence and the women worked very hard. They took care of patients very carefully. Florence worked twenty hours a day, almost all time of a day. At the age of forty-three, she got sick. While she was abed for the rest of her life, she still continued working to help others.

[You spend half the paragraph explaining the situation, but go into vague details about Nightingale's work in Turkey. The focus is on Nightingale, her work and what you would accomplish if you were her. A quick one to two sentence summary about the situation is good enough. Like: “The hospital conditions in Turkey were of overworked staff and supply shortages.” Done. Then you can move onto the stuff that really matters.
Next, your last sentence has nothing to do with why Florence is your person of choice and her work. It talks about when she died. Who cares?]


Reading her biography, I was so surprised. “How could she do that? What did make her strange like that?” She was really amazed. Florence made me so reflected. Because of her passion, patience and determination, Florence made me stronger and belief my-self. A dream will always be a dream if I never try hard and pursue it. Thinking about it is always easier than making it be real. Especially, medical branch is really challenging however Florence could do that. And she spent almost all of her life for medical branch. She was really a beautiful heroine of medicine. I want to be like her. I want to become a nurse.

[Chuck this paragraph into the bin. It doesn't address the prompt. It's doesn't ask you to be LIKE her, it's asking you what you would do if you really WERE Florence Nightingale.
Moreover, the things about her that inspire you is simple a laundry list of characteristics. If you choose to do this at all, pick one or two characteristics about her that REALLY resonate with you and focus on them. Turn them into ACTUAL ideas and not just vague ]


I choose studying Bachelor degree of science – nursing. It is a four-year-program that leads to the BSN degree with emphasis on leadership, research and clinical practice. After graduating, I want to work in Army. That will be a wonderful chance for me to curtain space between theory and fact. I can practice, improve and learn how to think and work independent in my career. I can meet a lot of patients, speak with them, help them to solve their health problems and educate them on healthy living and preventive health care. I love to take care of people. Seeing their health better and better makes me feel very happy. Otherwise, living in military training, I will have a basic training included hours of classes, strenuous physical activity and wartime scenario training. I will sleep, eat and live the same unglamorous life of soldiers. That will be another opportunity for me because I love to challenge myself. Making joy, healthy and happiness for people is my entire dream. Pursuing a dream and make it come true are a big deal of my life. I am trying and will try my best in order to achieve my goal.

[One American idiom is: There is no try. Only do. So don't say you'll try, say you WILL.] Still did not address the second part of the prompt.

Example:
- I will try my best to write a convincing admission essay. (This is telling and maybe you will not try at all).
- I will keep re-write and re-write until I am satisfied with my essay. (This is showing your determination to improve your writing).

Here is an outline for you to help you write easier.

Introduction:
- Keep your introduction, but go little more detail how the story of Florence Nightingale has inspired you to change your mind from what to what (Like medicine to nursing)
Body Paragraph:

1 – Briefly summarize Florence Nightingale’s life works (Or her characteristics that inspire you or her work which you want to do.
2 – Go in detail your plan(s) to become a nurse

Conclusion:
- Summarize your story and your wish to work as a nurse.


Positive note:

***Your English has been improved significantly in only a couple of weeks. Keep doing what you are doing now, I believe you will be ready to submit your college application for Berea College early decision in June 2011.

- www.berea.edu is 100% FREE EVERYTHING for international applicants. It will be your dream university


Your English level now is above community college level, but a hair short for university level.

:113::113::113::113::113::113::113:
 

QuiAnLe

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#3
Ðề: If you could be someone, who would you be? What would you do if you were him or her?

Cam on chu da danh thoi gian doc bai va gop y cho con ^^ con se sua chua lai nhung cho chu noi! Cam on chu nhieu lam!!! :1::1::1::1: