Personal Essay :)

Sean

Thành viên mới
#1
Mong được sự giúp đỡ của mọi người,

“The miracle is this: the more we share the more we have.” - Leonard Nimoy
18 years may be a short time to test whether a quote is right or not. However, with me, after what I have experienced, I have no doubt about its accuracy.
In my life, I have seen and contacted with many people. Some made me laugh, some made me cry and some made me stop and took a moment to ponder on my life. Sharing is great - that is what I was taught. However, I had not fully understood it until one day -- the day I really felt its value.
After two hours sitting on a rusty and non-air-conditioned bus, my friends and I finally arrived at Thien Phuoc orphanage. After giving clothes and food for nursemaids, we went inside. Stepping in that room, which was painted blue, decorated with colorful wallpaper and some unfinished crayon pictures, I was instantly shocked. Like someone just punched me on the chest, I lost my breath while witnessing that indelibly imprinted scene. Eighty children were lying side by side next to each other on the floor, some had physical defects, others had metal problems and over half of them were down syndrome's victims. All of them were abandoned because of their disabilities. When I was still panic-stricken, suddenly someone held my hand. Looking down and I saw a little girl. Through her big round eyes, she gave me the warmest look I have ever received. Her pure smile touched deeply into my soul. I gave her back a smile and right away, she pulled me toward her. I sat down with that little girl, and with hands still held tightly, I shared with her a biscuit from my pocket. She could do nothing but smiling back - an outwardly unconscious smile. But I don't believe there was not affection in that blithe look. Looking at the smile on her innocent face and I could feel the ecstasy of fulfillment blending with serenity within me. It spread through my body like a stream of vibrant water. But time flied, I whispered thanks to the little girl and went home, slowly tasting the warmth of having done the right thing. That feeling came again when I put money on the beggars’ hats, gave clothes for people living under the bridge and deliver food in a charitable food giveaway event. I realized that feeling is called “happiness” - such a miraculous simplicity. But strangely, it was unlike the joy when receiving my History award or winning a Taekwondo match. It was not the happiness for only earning, but "the happiness" when I share.
After all, helping people has become the second thing on my to-do list. With me, sharing is not only 10,000VND I gave to beggars and the old clothes for homeless. It is the way I help people follow their hearts, keep their belief and find their own happiness. It is a enormous task to do and only sitting here saying those words is just a cliché of me. Nothing can be done until I finish the first thing on my list - success. Therefore, every day I try my best, building steps after steps to my goal because I do not want that ten years later, all my words still are cliché.

:)
 

MLM

Thành viên mới
#2
Ðề: Personal Essay :)

Chào Sean, mình có 1 chút góp ý về ngữ pháp mong có thể chia sẻ trong khi chờ đợi chú vha08. Nếu có gì sai xin mọi người đừng cười, mình chỉ muốn được luyện tập thêm.


“The miracle is this: the more we share the more we have.” - Leonard Nimoy
18 [Spell out a small number] years may be a short time to test whether a quote is right or not. However, with [Use "For"] me, after what I have experienced, I have no doubt about its accuracy.
In my life, I have seen and contacted with many people. Some made me laugh, some made me cry and some made me stop and took a moment to ponder on my life[A run-on sentence] "Sharing is great" is what I was taught [by whom]. However, I had not fully understood it until one day--the day I really felt its value.
After two hours sitting on a rusty and non-air-conditioned bus, my friends and I finally arrived at Thien Phuoc Orphanage. After giving clothes and food to nursemaids, we went inside. Stepping in that room, which was painted blue,[Should avoid redundancy, try using "Blue-painted room"] decorated with colorful wallpaper and some unfinished crayon pictures, I was instantly shocked. Like someone just punched me on the chest, I lost my breath while witnessing that indelibly imprinted scene. Eighty children were lying side by side next to each other on the floor, [Use a colon to elaborate the main clause] some had physical defects; others had metal problems; and over half of them were down syndrome's victims. [Change the commas to semicolons] All of them [Should avoid using a repeated phrase such as a prepositional phrase "Of them"] were abandoned because of their disabilities. When I was still panic-stricken, suddenly someone held my hand. [After] Looking down and [Should use comma] I saw a little girl. Through her big round eyes, she gave me the warmest look I have ever received. Her pure smile touched deeply into my soul. I gave her back a smile and right away, [Comma splice] she pulled me toward her. I sat down with that little girl, and with hands still held tightly, I shared with her a biscuit from my pocket. She could do nothing but smile back--an outwardly unconscious smile. But I don't believe there was not affection in that blithe look. [A subordinated clause] Looking at the smile on her innocent face and [Use comma] I could feel the ecstasy [Seem like an overused word] of fulfillment blending with serenity within me. It spread through my body like a stream of vibrant water. But [Not sure if we can use the FANBOYS at the beginning of a sentence] time flied [Irregular verb], I whispered thanks to the little girl and went home, [Can we use "While?"] slowly tasting the warmth of having done the right thing. That feeling came again when I put money on the beggars’ hats, gave clothes for people living under the bridge and [Use "Or"] delivered food in a charitable food giveaway event. I realized that [Need a modifier here] feeling is such a miraculous simplicity--happiness [Em dash usage]. [Should use comma] But strangely, [Should avoid using "But", "Strangely" and "Unlike" in a same sentence because they are all used to introduce something contrasting] it was unlike the joy when receiving my History award or winning a Taekwondo match. It was not the happiness for only earning, [We don't need a comma here] but "the happiness" when I share.
After all, helping people has become the second thing [Should try a better word] on my to-do list. With [Use "To" or "For"] me, sharing is not only 10,000VND I gave to beggars and [Use "Or"] the old clothes for homeless. [An awkward sentence.] It is the way I help people follow their hearts, keep their belief and find their own happiness. It is a enormous task to do and only sitting here saying those words is just a cliché of me. Nothing can be done until I finish the first thing on my list--success. Therefore, every day I try my best [in] building steps after steps to my goal because I do not want that ten years later, all my words still are cliché.
 
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