Admission essay

tintin59933

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#1
Dear mrVha08,
I am Hoang Anh. I have just finished my app essay and I hope that you would give me some useful advices on how to improve it. Thank you a lot and looking forward to hearing from you.

Essay No1 Title please

I have read a book named “The flipsides” –stories telling about people who experienced severe predicaments or unfortunate blights, which turn out to be the foster for propitious changes. I read with high doubt; apparently I couldn’t believe how an incapacitated man can be happy and satisfied with his unlucky life. Candidly, I thought that the flipside phenomenon could never happen: reality is reality; misery is certainly not a miracle. However, there came an incident changing my surmise: I met a disastrous traffic accident. Thankfully, it was fortunate that I couldn’t become one of the characters for the flipside story as I didn’t strongly destroy or lose any parts of my body. Yet I was deeply in pain; I couldn’t move, walk or travel in even small distance. I was bleeding, bruised; wounds were tangibly seen everywhere. The pain depleted my energy; the pain tortured me through days and nights, seemingly eternal. But to me, this doomed experience is still not entirely anguish.

Innately, I always have been a pessimist; thus I tend to express criticism or evince my sense of impatience and grievance for any of specific disturbing cases occurring in my life. Encountering failure or serious mistakes, I let out my strong attitude of dismay and my disappointment for my supposedly praiseworthy effort. I couldn’t help torturing myself by continuously wondering how I made those mistakes, letting myself down with the fear for never achieving any rewards for my abilities. I couldn’t help resisting the idea of self- criticizing myself as futile. Unlike famous quotes: failure is the chance for successor to stand up I hesitated to stand up again. To me, failure seems like a blurring end to my pathetic endeavor

The fatal accident befell. The first days were harsh, the pain crossed the boundary of my endurance; it defeat my power to withstand the toughness. I cried out, I groaned, I wished for the instant relief incessantly. Yet unexpectedly, the miracle of the flipside did come along with the pain when I learned how to cast the torture away. Such amazing occurring happened when I put my belief in myself: there came the feeling of alleviation when I believed the pain was going to wear away but not exaggerate .Profoundly, it’s the matter of belief creating incident progressing in good state. By that method, I learned to appreciate the presently existing failure. In gradual step, I force myself to move around; I can’t stay stagnantly or slacken the race beat of my life any longer. I managed to move around with seemingly insufferable aching wound as I stick with the sense of positivism and satisfaction.

Apparently, this was such a relation with my mental weakness that I couldn’t help not relating this experience with the act of self-criticism in my mind. It’s the matter of belief in oneself that create success. Life is like going out the road with risk of meeting accident in a witty way. The accident, just like the story of flipside narrators, didn’t seem as disastrous as my family thought. To me, rather than unfortunate, the accident positively led me to pursue a worthy path of life attitude. From such strongly self-criticized person, I have refreshed my thought with positivism and confidence. The one confessing failure is the one getting stronger; I courageously accepted mistakes I made in my test, the weakness I communicated with people around and the way I unfairly judge on incident. Yet unlike being self-criticized, despondent and incessantly obsessing with the unlucky, unfair thing happening, I left behind the past and actively seek for efficient action and self-modification. The path of changing was a painful experience but couldn’t be more worthily valuable.


 
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tintin59933

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#2
Ðề: Admission essay

Essay No2

My essay ap No2
My childhood is replete with vivid imagination and unbeatable curiosity. Like other eager children, I had the instinct of asking probably silly questions like why is there existence of right and left hands distinction or why milk is in canton and Coca-Cola is in a tin can. I am always enthusiastic of obtaining the answers and my parents’ response never seem to satisfy the crave of curiosity of mine. However, growing up, experiencing monumental alteration in school, I gradually lost my sense of excitement and curiosity of events around. To me, the mystery is no longer important; the already events is supposed to be existed with no doubt. I dropped off my interest behind in the subject I learned along with the mystery I encountered and the unsolved miracle of human being’s society. I left the question “Why” in oblivion, ignored the wonder of purpose in the act of following motif but instead soaking myself in the elaborately abstract books with such intricate terms along with varied assignments in the race of attaining high grades and recognition. In actual acknowledgment, I was losing myself in education; I was shaped in the mold of negative comprehension. I grew my sense of judgment and criticized mark on behalf of the already taught knowledge, the ideas which have never been belonged to my own understanding.
Not until my little sister, following the cycle of growing, started to raise her curiosity of the whole world around did I realize my problem. She is curious incessantly nearly about everything. Traveling in roads, she wondering about the traffic color. Going to the zoo, she asked why peacocks had such glorious, magnificent and iridescent tail. Staying in a hotel, she couldn’t help being curious about the price of her favorite snack being much more costly than the one sold in the local market. All the questions were evident, so go along I all answered:
“Just because, it was supposed to serve us apparently, with no doubt”
But she was never satisfied with my guesses and kept annoyingly asking again. The more I had to explain to her, ironically, the more I felt the void in my head. I was frustrated by the fact that these annoyingly inane questions about already invented social appliances or events, which are meant to befall, really detected my failings. I rarely had known actual thing fully; just the surface and cover leave me thought that I had knowledge.
I later found these question so intriguing, appealing and challenging. These questions are simply seen in their cover but actually contain great value of the social progress. I found myself a real enthusiast, slackened off the endeavor of fulfill my mind with such complex works and replaced them with books explaining the basic step I got lost. To me, the logical factor is much more essential to my later work; I had to understand the base before getting to the next level of understanding. I find myself absorbing in books explaining about social events owning the look of an economist. The supposed events happening daily in life have their source of history, habits and custom; nothing can’t be examined and considered from surmise of outward surface. The commonly existing explanation may divert one from truly considerable understanding. What I read, what I accumulate evidence truly amaze me; I found the failing in my previous method. Rather than understanding the base, I just attempted to find solution to the problem. Such an irony, the most basic part can be the answer to a seemingly unsolved problem. Like an eminent saying in my nation said, “Rather than knowing a little of everything, you had better know nothing”, I no longer wish for the surface knowledge of everything. I knew what I need more is to focus and understand the base in my preferential field. That’s truly the meaning of education.

Personally, I think the 2nd is better. I 'd love to recieve every comment from you
 
#3
Ðề: Admission essay

The Meaning of Education

Be patient, OK
I've just done checking your vocabulary & grammar mistakes. You have many of them. I agreed with you, your second essay is one of the best essay I've ever read.
 

tintin59933

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#4
Ðề: Admission essay

Thank you so much for your time and comment on my essay. I can't wait to see your correction on my essay but I'm really confused about the new rule of maximum 500-word-essay. I don't know what part to be cut and I really need your help
 
#5
Ðề: Admission essay

Usually, the college applications are pre-screening by the admission committee who are students in their senior year. I sent your second essay to whom I had helped in the past, to make sure they understand what you wrote in your paper.

I've already reduced your essay down to 500 words, it will be ready to submit, when I post it on XNC's forum. Gather everything, and be ready to submit your application this week.
 

tintin59933

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#6
Ðề: Admission essay

Thank you so much for your time for my essay. I'm really grateful for that
It may sound a little risky but I want to send essay to Berea College. I just want to give a try. So I will lengthen the essay to 2 pages and I think I will have to ask for your help again..
 

tintin59933

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#7
Ðề: Admission essay

in addition, I want to add an idea of how i treat my sister, the way I answer her, lead her to a better way of understanding. Is that a good idea
 
#8
Ðề: Admission essay

The Meaning of Education

My childhood was replete with vivid imagination and unbeatable curiosity. I had a habit of asking silly questions like why there is a distinction between left and right hands or why is milk in a carton and Coca-Cola in a tin can. I was always enthusiastic about the answers, but and my parents’ responses never satisfied my curiosity. However, growing up, experiencing changes in school, I gradually lost my sense of excitement and curiosity. To me, the mystery was no longer important; the discoveries had already been made. My interest for the subject I learned ceased, along with the mysteries I encountered. I left the question “Why?” in oblivion, ignored the wonder of discovery, and instead buried myself in elaborately abstract books with intricate terms and the race for high grades and recognition. In actuality, I was being shaped in the mold of negative comprehension. I cultivated my sense of judgment and criticism on based on already taught knowledge - ideas that didn’t belong to my own understanding.

I didn’t realize my problem until my sister acquired a child-like curiosity. She is incessantly curious about nearly everything. Traveling-in-roads, she wondered about the traffic color. Going to the zoo, she asked why peacocks had such magnificent and iridescent tails. Staying at hotels, she couldn’t help being curious about the price of her favorite snack being more expensive than the one sold in the local market. So go along, I answered: “Just because.” But she was never satisfied with my replies and kept annoyingly asking again. The more I had to explain to her, ironically, the more I felt the void in my head. I was frustrated by the fact that these inane questions about already established facts really highlighted my ignorance. I rarely had known actual thing fully; the surface led me to believe I had knowledge.

I found these questions intriguing and challenging. These questions are simply seen in their cover but actually contain great value of the social progress. I enthusiastically stopped filling my mind with complex works and replaced them with books explaining the basics I had ignored. I needed the foundation before I could advance to the next level of understanding. I find myself absorbed in books explaining about social events from an economist’s perspective. The supposed events happening daily in life have their source of history, habits and custom; nothing can be examined from the outward surface. Conventional explanation may divert one from greater understanding. What I read, what I accumulated, amazed me; I found the failing in my previous method. Rather than understanding the basics, I attempted to find the solution to the problem. Such an irony, the most basic part can be the answer to an impossible problem. Like an eminent saying said, “Rather than knowing a little of everything, you had better know nothing,” I no longer wish for the surface knowledge of everything. I knew what I needed was to understand the basics in my preferential field. That’s the meaning of education.


As I expected 2 out of 3 said your essay is ambiguous. All give an "A" on the revised version. Always check for vocabulary and grammar. You used "Big words" in your essay, but make a lot of simple mistakes.

It's ready to submit - double check

- Berea College is not your school of choice, because they only give you full cost for the first year, after 1st year, I don't know. I need to know your grades and test scores and your major, before I can advise which school is best suited for you.
 

tintin59933

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#9
Ðề: Admission essay

Cháu cám ơn bác rất nhiều về bài sửa của bác. Đây là những trường cháu định app ạ:
Skidmore College
Berea College
Randolp college
Messiah college
Truman State
Lycoming College
UTd 10K
Ohio Wesleyan University
Smith College
University of Alabama
Cháu học ở Chuyên Ngữ với GPA tầm 8.4
SAT: 1900 mà cháu chưa kịp thi lại
Major: Business/economics
Bác hãy cho cháu lới khuyên về những trường cháu có khả năng được nhận mà được nhận financial aid với bài luận này. Bài essay này là hi vọng được nhận duy nhất của cháu
 
#10
Ðề: Admission essay

How much is your family contribution? What student life, would you prefer, city or rural?
 

tintin59933

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#11
Ðề: Admission essay

My family contribution is 8-12k a year. And i prefer living in the city. But I really wonder about my score could be the factor that these college will elimimate me
 
#12
Ðề: Admission essay

Your credential is very good

If you choose business

1 - BYU (Brigham Young University) - safe
2 - Colby-Sawyer - safe
3 - The rest of safe schools http://vn.360plus.yahoo.com/vha08/article?mid=21&prev=22&next=-1

- Skidmore College - Out too expensive
- Berea College - Dream
- Randolp college - reach
- Messiah college - reach
- Truman State - safe
- Lycoming College - safe
- UTd 10K - don't know
- Ohio Wesleyan University - dream
- Smith College - dream 100% female
- University of Alabama - safe

* Safe = 99% accepted
* Reach = highly likely get accepted
* Dream = Likely get accepted

If you choosé Economics

1 - Seattle University = safe
(I will find out more)
 

tintin59933

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#13
Ðề: Admission essay

Skidmore is my favourite college that I really want to enroll in. I know that this college is very costly too. But is there any chance for me to get accepted?

UTD is university texas of dalas. I am sorry for its short version
 
#14
Ðề: Admission essay

You want to get into Skidmore College, increase your family contribution to $20,000 - $25,000 then you will have a better chance.
 

tintin59933

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#15
Ðề: Admission essay

Mr Vha08, I really wonder about the list of your safe school. Why do they require so little money? Is it because of the educational quaility or beacuse they receive money from the government?
Can you suggest me some more good school? I can't judge school through ranking.
 
#16
Ðề: Admission essay

Học phí rẻ không có nghĩa là trường dởm - BYU là một trường đại học khá nổi tiếng, học phí rẻ là vì trường không lấy học phí để làm giàu. Cháu học business thì bằng cử nhân cháu học ở trường nào cũng không có gì khác biệt nhiều. Khi cháu học MBA thì nên chọn trường nổi tiếng, vì những người đang giữ những chức vụ cao trong các công ty hay những người giỏi sẽ chọn trường có tiếng tăm để học. Cháu sẽ có cơ hội tạo mối quan hệ với những người này, sẽ có lợi cho cháu sau này khi xin việc làm.
 
#17
Ðề: Admission essay

Tôi ở Seattle và cũng quen biết vài giáo sư dạy ở trường này. Năm 2007 chúng tôi xin được $80,000/ năm cho học sinh của trường đại học dân lập XXX xxxx qua Mỹ du học. Thông tin trên website của trường nói gì thì mặc kệ nó. Cháu không thử thì làm sao biết trường không cho. Giả sử nếu không cho thì cháu thiệt thòi cái gì, hay chỉ là mất chút thời gian.
 
#18
Ðề: Admission essay

Cháu chào bác. Cháu là Hoàng Anh. Cháu vừa được nhận vào Seattle University nhưng đến thời điểm này hình như họ không tính đến financial application của cháu. Cháu đã gửi international financial aid và financial aid request nhưng họ cũng không email lại. Cháu rất muốn học ở trường này nhưng cháu không thể đóng được nhiều hơn 15000$.
Cháu nhắn tin này xin bác giúp đỡ xem có cách nào để giảm tiền đóng học phí không ạ
Cháu cám ơn bác rất nhiều.
Hoàng Anh

Cháu chờ thêm 1 vài tuần nữa, sẽ biết trường cho bao nhiêu tiền. Khi nào nhận được financial aid package của trường lúc đó cháu mới thương lượng với trường về contribution của gia đình cháu. Tôi chỉ có thể chỉ cách cho cháu thương lượng, chứ tôi không có quyền hành gì.
 
#19
Ðề: Admission essay

Cháu chào bác,
Cháu là Hoàng Anh. cháu vừa mới nhận được financial aid award của Seattle U nhưng họ chỉ cho cháu $ 7,000 trong năm nay. Với mức học bổng này thì cháu sẽ phải đóng hơn $40 000 và cháu nghĩ trường sẽ rất khó để nâng award lên nữa. Bác có thể chỉ cho cháu cách thương lượng hay appeal thế nảo để có thể xin đóng với tấm $10 000 năm nay không ạ?
Cháu rất cảm ơn bác
Hoàng Anh
Ngoài Seattle U ra còn trừong nào nhận cháu nữa?

Cháu viết thư gởi tới trừơng, cho họ biết gia đình cháu chỉ có thể contribute tối đa là bao nhiêu. Kèm theo offer của trùơng khác, Seattle U sẽ review lại và có thể cho cháu nhiều hơn. Tôi không biết trừong sẽ cho thêm bao nhiêu, nhưng 3 năm trứoc tôi giúp 1 học sinh (Domestic) và Seattle u cho full ride.

Chúc cháu thành công