First essay

[whitecat]

Dear bác Vha08
Đây là 1 đoạn essay ngắn em vừa viết tại lớp ESL, bác xem giúp em có tương đương với trình độ ESOL 30 không ạ, nếu có gì sai nhờ bác correct giúp. Nếu anh văn của em còn thấp hơn ESOL 30 thì còn phải học khoảng bao lâu nữa mới tương đương ESOL 30? Cám ơn bác rất nhiều.

Tourism' s effects on Antarctica
Nowadays, many tourists would like to travel to Antarctica, that is the frozen continent of South America. There are not only tourists, but also scientists want to go to this remote land to research ice and different kinds of science. However, scientist often had to suddenly stop their research to greet new visitors. Even though tourists can help scientists preserve Antarctica, their negative effects bring more serious consequences. Therefore, the scientists state that tourism to Antarctica should be closed.

On the way to discover Antarctica, tourists created many harmful effects. They threw trash on beaches, disturbed penguins, easily damaged penguin eggs, plants and animals, and they polluted the fragile environment. If they continue to do these activities, many plants and animals will disappear forever. Furthermore, natural life will be unbalanced more and more. Scientists found out an ozone hole above Antarctica few years ago. The Earth’s temperature is increasing. Besides, Antarctica belongs to no country. There is no government there. Who will be in charge of this land? All of these factors make scientists worry very much.

We have to protect the vast and beautiful continent from negative effects. If we do not do that, our planet will be destroyed. Scientists are concerned about preserving Antarctica, but they can not control tourist’s bad behavior. As scientists state, tourism to Antarctica should be prohibited. Finally, Antarctica is the most important scientific land which we can not damage anymore.

 

[vha08]

Ðề: First essay

ESL 30 là lớp thấp nhất của chương trình college ESL. Tuỳ theo trường mà có mã số hay level tương đương như: ESL30 - ESL 98 hay level 1 - 6 (7). Dựa theo bài tiểu luận này em ở khoảng level 3, hay ESL 45- 60. Em còn một chặng đường rất dài và phải học hỏi nhiều thì mới có thể vào đại học.

Tôi sửa essay "Không có nương tay", vì tôi nghĩ mình nương tay sẽ hại họ. Nhiều người viết essay rất là lưu loát, được nhiều người khen. Nhưng đưa tới tôi "review", phải bỏ hết viết lại đề tài khác. Điển hình là người này: http://xuatnhapcanh.com/forum/showthread.php?t=8930 Tôi đã tiết kiệm cho học sinh này hơn $150,000 tiền học cho 4 năm.

Bài của em tôi review rồi. Nếu em cảm thấy chịu nổi sự chỉ trích của tôi thì tôi đăng lên.

 

[vha08]

Ðề: First essay

Tourism's effects on Antarctica

Nowadays, many tourists would like to travel to Antarctica, that is the frozen continent of South America {This is a case of “I don't think it means what you think it means.” My assumption is that you think it means: Antarctica is the frozen continent SOUTH of South America. But your syntax says that Antarctica and South America is the same thing. You need to make sure that all of your language is precise. Not only that, you underestimate the intelligence of your audience. Considering that your reader is most likely an adult, do you think he won't know what Antarctica is and where it is located?}. There are not only tourists, but also scientists who want to go to this remote land to research ice and different kinds of science {Like...what?}. However, scientist often had to suddenly stop their research to greet new visitors. Even though tourists can help scientists preserve Antarctica, their negative effects bring more serious consequences. Therefore, the scientists state that tourism to Antarctica should be closed.

{What are you talking about in this first paragraph? This doesn't seem like a personal statement so much as some sort of expository essay. Moreover, you make quite a number of statements in what is considered your introduction. Yet you have no evidence to back up your claims. American academic writing is not considered credible unless you use sources! How do you know that scientists have to go greet tourists? How can tourists help scientists preserve Antarctica?}
In addition, do not compound all of your points together into one little paragraph. You must make a point. Expand upon it or explore it and then transition to your next point. Too many things in one paragraph will cause your reader to be confused about what you're trying to say and what you want them to focus on. First, you must paint the big picture and as your essay develops, fill in the details.
In actuality, how this paragraph (and the rest of your essay) is being read is like reading a list. You give all of the items you want to talk about but you don't actually talk about any of them. Which in turn makes your essay as flimsy as rice paper. Not interesting at all. I haven't even commented on syntax and grammar because I honestly think you should start over with a clearer and more informed mindset.}

On the way to discover Antarctica, tourists created many harmful effects. They threw trash on beaches, disturbed penguins, easily damaged penguin eggs, plants and animals, and they polluted the fragile environment. If they continue to do these activities, many plants and animals will disappear forever. Furthermore, natural life will be unbalanced more and more. Scientists found out an ozone hole above Antarctica few years ago. The Earth’s temperature is increasing. Besides, Antarctica belongs to no country. There is no government there. Who will be in charge of this land? All of these factors make scientists worry very much.

So now you're saying, that because of tourists, not only do they disturb the wildlife their actions are also causing ozone layers, extinction AND temperature increase? That's very hard to believe. Because that's what it seems like to me. You certainly don't offer any other explanation – which is a lapse in foresight. What are tourists allowed to do? Put this information in context. This paragraph is suggesting that the tourists get to go to Antarctica and do whatever they want.

We have to protect the vast and beautiful continent from negative effects. If we do not do that, our planet will be destroyed. {Start using varied sentence structure, like complex sentences: For a continent as vast and beautiful as Antarctica, it is imperative that we protect from the negative effects of tourism.} Scientists are concerned about preserving Antarctica, but they can not [cannot] control tourist’s bad behavior. As scientists state, tourism to Antarctica should be prohibited. Finally, Antarctica is the most important scientific land which we can not [cannot] damage anymore. {I don't even know what you mean by this. Why is it so important? Is it the advancement of science?}

- - -There is attempt to include a call to action. But it's incredibly weak and offers no solution to which the reader may use to take action.
{So basically. I don't know what you're trying to say at all. I get the feeling that you simply sat down and wrote whatever the heck you wanted. Which is bad. You need to desperately start using outlines. Even if it's just a bare bones: paragraph 1 will talk about this. Paragraph two will talk about this; paragraph three will talk about this.
My advice: Start over. Write an outline. Do some research and get some sources. THEN start writing.

 

[whitecat]

Ðề: First essay

Dear bác Vha08,

Rất cám ơn lời nhận xét của bác, em không buồn, chỉ lo thôi vì phải chạy đua với thời gian để tiếp tục học & làm thế nào để không mất quá nhiều thời gian mà đạt được điều mình muốn. Trước đây em chỉ học anh văn khoảng 1 năm nhưng lại không sử dụng trong 1 thời gian dài rồi lại tập trung vào công việc, mà công việc thì không yêu cầu tiếng anh. Bây giờ phải học lại từ đầu thôi.

Bác có cách nào học mau tiến bộ vui lòng tư vấn giúp em.

 

[vha08]

Ðề: First essay

Very good. You will have a bright future.

- Rewrite your essay, proofread and post it on here. I will review it again. Read my review on your first essay, until you completely understand, before you rewrite it.

- Learn 100 new words every day, by using English - English dictionary, instead of English-Vietnamese for definitions. Start with three, four or five letters word, or what ever you feel confortable with.

- Learn grammar at school.

- Watch television talk show(s) with caption on and wear headphone.

- Read at least one fiction novel a week, and write a book report. (Summarize the story and your opinion).

- Don't be shy. Make friend with your American schoolmates or those young American Preachers come to your door every Sunday.

That how I learned English.

 

[whitecat]

Ðề: Rewrite first essay

Em vừa rewrite xong, nhờ bác Vha08 review giúp ạ. Xin cám ơn bác.

Tourism's Effects on Antarctica

Nowadays, many tourists would like to travel to Antarctica, which is the frozen continent south of south America. There are not only tourists, but also scientists who want to go to this remote land to research ice such as the age, the toughness and different significant kinds of science that are: the effects of the ozone hole, which was discovered above Antarctica few years ago; reasons of the global warming; the life of animals, plants and humans on the harsh environment and the people’s behavior when they live and work together in a remote location... The more scientists discover, the more they understand how very important these scientific researches in Antarctica are. The consequences of all studies let scientists know that Antarctic natural environment is being gradually worse and has been resisted lots of harmful effects by humans. Therefore, Antarctica is the center of essential scientific researches, it must be preserved for this purpose. To reduce negative impacts from people and save this fragile continent, scientists state that tourism to Antarctica should be closed.

The number of tourists visiting Antarctica increased around 25,000 from 2001 to 2010, and this amount can expand more and more because tourists are very curious to know how this sound pole looks like. However, on the way to discover Antarctica, some of whom might not completely follow the rule to protect the environment and created many harmful effects. Members of Greenpeace, one of the world’s leading environmental organizations, complained that tourists threw trash on beaches, disturbed penguins, easily damaged penguin eggs, plants and animals, and they also polluted the fragile environment. Oil spills are another problem caused by tourism, they not only killed penguins but can also destroyed scientific projects. Actually, some cruise ships were broken by colliding with icebergs or glaciers. These accidents did not only injure or kill people but also let oil pollute the marine environment and fragile ecosystem. Unfortunately, oil in cold atmosphere likely remains much longer than in hot atmosphere. Besides, scientist’s projects can be damaged by such simple tourist’s mistakes while they observed scientific offices such as opening a wrong door or touching into a piece of equipment. On the other hand, Antarctica belongs to no country. There is no government there. Who will be in charge of this land? All of these factors make scientists worry very much.

Antarctica had lots of unexpected effects from other continents. If it continue to receive tourist’s harmful activities, the natural environment will get serious troubles that are some delicate plants and animals may die and disappear forever, natural life can be unbalanced more and more and our planet can be destroyed. For a continent as vast and beautiful as Antarctica, it is imperative that we have to protect it from the negative effects of tourism. We cannot allow tourists to bring possible danger to the planet and clearly, Antarctica should stay a place for careful and controlled scientific research. Scientists are concerned about preserving Antarctica, but they cannot control some tourist’s bad behavior. Since scientists state that one of useful ways to protect this frail and important part of the planet is prohibiting tourists to Antarctica.

 

[vha08]

Ðề: First essay

I – Introduction:
Antarctica, the world most pristine environment, is Earth’s southernmost continent overlying the South Pole. Less than five percent of Antarctica is ice-free, with hash condition, no indigenous and no large animals on the land however what compel people to explore Antarctica are its purest state and her beauties. According to the International Association of Antarctica Tour Operators (IAATO), the number of tourist has increase significantly from a few hundred in 1969 to over 36,000 in 2010. The number of visitors is pale compare to other places on Earth, but no doubt, wherever human set foot on a new land, they will leave behind their wastes causing an impact on the environment they visited.

(Đoạn underline cho đọc giả biết mình sẽ nói về chất thải của con người ảnh hưởng tới môi trường của Antarctica cũng là tựa của đề bài.) TRANSITION SENTENCE.
II – Body

• - Globalized impact
  • Global warming cause ice to melt.
  • Traces of chemical in Sea life (Seal, penguin, krill…)
  • Over-fishing in Antarctica such as krill a food supply of other species.
• - Localized impact
  • Human pollution
     Scientists – fuels, carbon foot prints, trash.
     Tourists – fume, diesel fuel, trash, animal feeding.
• - Assessment & prevention
  • Pollution & waste management (
  • Self-regulation and tourist/scientist education: (IAATO, AAD- Australian Antarctica Division, members of Antarctica treaty).

III – Conclusion
- Recap the information provided in the body paragraphs, and your own closing statement.

Cấu trúc căn bản của 1 bài tiểu luận gồm 3 phần như trên. Bài essay này là dạng research paper, thông thường thầy/cô sẽ cho học sinh 1 tuần tới 1 tháng để viết bài. Học sinh phải gom góp, tham khảo tài liệu trước khi viết bài.

- Lỗi
- Giới thiệu đề bài và tranh luận ngay từ mở bài. (Mở bài có thể bắt đầu bằng một sự tranh luận, nhưng tuyệt đối không mix introduction & argument)
-

scientists state that tourism to Antarctica should be closed

Câu này khiến người đọc nghĩ rằng em sẽ viết và tranh luận về đóng cửa châu Nam Cực đối với du khách.
-

The number of tourists visiting Antarctica increased around 25,000 from 2001 to 2010

Số liệu này là vô căn cứ và không rõ ràng. Chỉ có IAATO là tổ chức duy nhất thống kê số lượng người tới Antarctica từ năm 2001

- Điểm nổi bậc.

- Nói lên được ảnh hưởng của con người tới Antarctica. nhưng nên có thêm dẫn chứng cụ thể.
- Phần kết luận rất hay, nhưng câu cuối cùng lại đi lạc đề tài

Since scientists state that one of useful ways to protect this frail and important part of the planet is prohibiting tourists to Antarctica.

Scientists cũng là visitors, và Antarctica không phải chủ quyền của riêng ai nên không cấm người khác được. Tuy nhiên với các luật lệ nghiêm khắc, và các phương pháp bảo vệ Antarctica tích cực của tất cả mọi người, sẽ duy trì tình trạng tinh khiết của Antarctica.