significant experience - Admission essay

minhqui

Thành viên mới
#1
Con chào chú vha08, con viết bài admission essay, mong chú sửa giúp con

My best friend’s guitar’s melody gently mixed with my singing voice. All children excitedly watched my performance. The song ended in the clapping sounds of children and nannies. After the performance, I and other students gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children under the hot, humid weather for two hours, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces.
In 2010, when I was still in Vietnam, I volunteered to the charitable group which was held by my English teacher every year. It was the second time I participated to this activity. The work of this year was more difficult than last year‘s because many old members did not participated. There were me and my best friend, Trang, who were the old members in the group. I and my friend needed to instruct the activities and guide all new members. It was a hard work to me because the new members were boisterous and talkative, and they paid attention to their friends’ gossips more than my announcement.
The bus took about an hour to come to the Binh Duong orphanage center. I and some students unloaded the boxes of gifts which were donated by teachers and students in my school. An old, thin woman with round glasses on her face welcomed and guided my group to the orphanage. It the second time I went there, so I remembered most of rooms. I leaded some freshmen to distribute gifts to orphans. Some small children were afraid, crying, or hiding after their nannies when some freshmen gave them gifts. The bigger children were adorable and they sometimes gave me and members kisses or hugs. These kisses and hugs were valuable presents which left beautiful memories and images in every member’s mind. Finally, I came to the special room which was used to take care babies and disable children. Even though I had held these babies in my arm before, I still could not keep my tears from dripping on my face when I held them this time. Not only I cry, but also all members of charity cry. I tried to calm my sad emotion and gave the new members hugs to comfort them. Whenever I came to this room, I always asked myself why the life was unfair to these poor babies and why some parents heartlessly abandoned their children. The ringing bell which announced the play time of children snapped me out of my unanswerable questions. I and other students hurriedly went out to the play yard to prepare the performance.
The charitable activity was successful and ended at 2p.m. While coming to school on the bus, all students were tired; some students pleasantly slept and snored on the bus; I looked the new members and learned a valuable lesson that to become a successful leader, you need to not only direct members but also collaborate with them in work. Also, I learned another priceless lesson that when you still have your parents on the life, it means that you are happier than many children on the world.

Con cảm ơn chú vha08 nhiều lắm ạ.
 
#2
Ðề: significant experience - Admission essay

My best friend’s guitar’s melody gently mixed with my singing voice [Need to describe more about your performance]. All children excitedly watched my performance. The song ended in the clapping sounds of children and nannies. After the performance, I and other students gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children under the hot, humid weather for two hours, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces. dành đoạn này cho thân bài

(Rất là vụng về. Cháu nhập đề bằng cách diễn tả lại quang cảnh lúc cháu trình diễn trên sân khấu (hay trước khán giả, không nên cắt ngang như vậy. Cháu muốn viết theo lồi của bài này “Leadership is not about to be the "Boss". Hoặc bài này “Dance” http://xuatnhapcanh.com/forum/showthread.php?9141-And-the-WINNERS-are thì đọc cho kỹ và viết lại đi

Nhớ cho kỹ, kỷ năng và năng khiếu rất đựoc hội đồng tuyển sinh và trường đặc biệt lưu ý. Cháu có tài năng ca hát và trình diễn trước đám đông thì hãy nói nhiều về "Musical Talent" của cháu. Câu chuyện trình diễn âm nhạc và phát quà cho các trẻ mồ côi là một đề tài hay. Nhưng chi tiết dư thừa hay những người không phải là cháu hay liên quan tới cháu thì dẹp nó qua 1 bên.

Remember, the Adcoms want to know about you
 

minhqui

Thành viên mới
#3
Ðề: significant experience - Admission essay

My best friend’s guitar’s melody gently mixed with my singing voice [Need to describe more about your performance]. All children excitedly watched my performance. The song ended in the clapping sounds of children and nannies. After the performance, I and other students gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children under the hot, humid weather for two hours, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces. dành đoạn này cho thân bài

(Rất là vụng về. Cháu nhập đề bằng cách diễn tả lại quang cảnh lúc cháu trình diễn trên sân khấu (hay trước khán giả, không nên cắt ngang như vậy. Cháu muốn viết theo lồi của bài này “Leadership is not about to be the "Boss". Hoặc bài này “Dance” http://xuatnhapcanh.com/forum/showthread.php?9141-And-the-WINNERS-are thì đọc cho kỹ và viết lại đi

Nhớ cho kỹ, kỷ năng và năng khiếu rất đựoc hội đồng tuyển sinh và trường đặc biệt lưu ý. Cháu có tài năng ca hát và trình diễn trước đám đông thì hãy nói nhiều về "Musical Talent" của cháu. Câu chuyện trình diễn âm nhạc và phát quà cho các trẻ mồ côi là một đề tài hay. Nhưng chi tiết dư thừa hay những người không phải là cháu hay liên quan tới cháu thì dẹp nó qua 1 bên.

Remember, the Adcoms want to know about you
Con cảm ơn chú vha08 nhiều lắm. Con sẽ cố gắng sửa lại và gửi lại chú
 

minhqui

Thành viên mới
#4
Ðề: significant experience - Admission essay

The guitar melody gently mixed with my singing voice. I sang the English song” Proud of You” which helped me get the first prize in the school competition before. With the determination not to disappointing the pathetic children, I put all my emotion and confidence in every word of the song. Even though this was not the first time of singing, I still felt the excitedly beating of my heart. Eight minutes of singing song dripped down sweat on my face and took me out of breath, but they left me an indescribable emotion.
In 2010, when still in Vietnam, I volunteered for a charitable group that was held by my English teacher. This was the second time I participated in this activity. The second year’s work was more difficult than the year’s before because many of the old members did not participate. I was the only experienced member, so I took more work such as instructing new members, gathering donations from the students and teachers, and creating posters for the activity. In these works, guiding new members was my most tiresome responsibility because the new members were boisterous and talkative, and they paid more attention to their friends’ gossips than my instructions.
After the hour-long bus ride to the Binh Duong Orphanage, some students and unloaded the boxes of gifts. Because it was the second time I went there, I remembered most of rooms. I guided and led some freshmen to distribute gifts to orphans. Some of the small children were afraid and crying, or hiding behind their nannies when the students handed them gifts. The bigger children were more affectionate and some of them gave me kisses or hugs. These kisses and hugs were valuable, favorite presents which left beautiful memories and images in my mind after every trip. Finally, I came to the special room which was used to take care of babies and disabled children. Even though I had held these babies in my arms before, I could not overwhelm my emotion and keep my tears from dripping down my face when I held them this time. I was not the only one crying. I tried to calm my sad feelings and gave the new members hugs to comfort them. Each time I came to this room, I always asked myself why life was unfair to these poor babies and why some parents heartlessly abandoned their children. The ringing bell which announced play time for the children snapped me back to the task at hand. I urged other students on going out to play yard to prepare for the performance.
The children excitedly watched my performance and as the song ended, I heard the clapping sounds of children and nannies. After the performance, the other students and I gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children in the hot, humid weather, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces.
The charitable activity was successful and ended at two in the afternoon. While coming back to school on the bus, I reflected on the day’s activities, and learned a valuable lesson that to become a successful leader, you need to not only direct members but also collaborate with them in work. Also, I learned another priceless lesson that when you still have your parents who care for you and love you, it means that you are happier than many children on the world.


Con chào chú vha08, Con mới viết lại bài essay trên. Mong chú xem giúp con
C cảm ơn chú nhiều
 
#5
Ðề: significant experience - Admission essay

My best friend’s guitar’s melody gently mixed with my singing voice. All children excitedly watched my performance. The song ended in the clapping sounds of all children and nannies. After the performance, I and the other students gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children under the hot, humid weather for two hours, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces.

In 2010, when I was still in Vietnam, I volunteered to the charitable group which was is held by my English teacher every year. It was the second time I had participated to this activity. The work of this at year was more difficult than last year‘s the year before because many old members did not participated. There were Just me and my best friend, Trang, who were the old members in the group. I and my friend needed to instruct the activities and guide all new members. It was a hard work to me because the new members were boisterous and talkative, and they paid attention to their friends’ gossips more than my announcement instruction/guide.

The bus took It took the bus about an hour to come go to the Binh Duong Orphanage Center. I and some students unloaded the boxes of gifts which were donated by teachers and students in my school. An old, thin woman with round glasses on her face welcomed and guided my group to the orphanage. It was the my second time to be there, so I remembered most of rooms. I leaded some freshmen to distribute gifts to orphans. Some small children were afraid, some cried, or hid after behind their nannies when they were given gifts. The bigger older children were adorable and they sometimes gave me and members us kisses or hugs. Theseose kisses and hugs were valuable presents which left beautiful the unforgettable memories and beautiful images in every member’s mind. Finally, I came to the special room which was used to take care of babies and disable children. Even though I had ever held cuddled theseose babies in my arm before, I still could not keep my tears from dripping on my face when I held them this that time. Not only I cryied, but also all members of charity cry did. I tried to calm hide my sad emotion and gave the new members hugs to comfort them. Whenever I came to this room, I always asked myself why the life was unfair to these poor babies and why some parents heartlessly abandoned their children. The ringing bell which announced the play time of children snapped me out of my unanswerable questions. I and other students hurriedly were in a hurry to go to the play yard to prepare the performance.

The charitable activity was successful and ended at 2p.m. While coming back our school, on the bus all students were tired in the bus; some students pleasantly slept and snored oin the bus; I looked the new members, thought about what we had done that day, realized myself and to learned a valuable lesson that, to become a successful leader, you I need to not only direct members but also collaborate with them in work. Also, I learned another priceless lesson that when you still have your our parents are still on the life alive, it means that you are we are much more happier than many children without their parents oin the world.

Edited by Ngocha

Too many basic grammar mistakes
 

minhqui

Thành viên mới
#6
Ðề: significant experience - Admission essay

My best friend’s guitar’s melody gently mixed with my singing voice. All children excitedly watched my performance. The song ended in the clapping sounds of all children and nannies. After the performance, I and the other students gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children under the hot, humid weather for two hours, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces.

In 2010, when I was still in Vietnam, I volunteered to the charitable group which was is held by my English teacher every year. It was the second time I had participated to this activity. The work of this at year was more difficult than last year‘s the year before because many old members did not participated. There were Just me and my best friend, Trang, who were the old members in the group. I and my friend needed to instruct the activities and guide all new members. It was a hard work to me because the new members were boisterous and talkative, and they paid attention to their friends’ gossips more than my announcement instruction/guide.

The bus took It took the bus about an hour to come go to the Binh Duong Orphanage Center. I and some students unloaded the boxes of gifts which were donated by teachers and students in my school. An old, thin woman with round glasses on her face welcomed and guided my group to the orphanage. It was the my second time to be there, so I remembered most of rooms. I leaded some freshmen to distribute gifts to orphans. Some small children were afraid, some cried, or hid after behind their nannies when they were given gifts. The bigger older children were adorable and they sometimes gave me and members us kisses or hugs. Theseose kisses and hugs were valuable presents which left beautiful the unforgettable memories and beautiful images in every member’s mind. Finally, I came to the special room which was used to take care of babies and disable children. Even though I had ever held cuddled theseose babies in my arm before, I still could not keep my tears from dripping on my face when I held them this that time. Not only I cryied, but also all members of charity cry did. I tried to calm hide my sad emotion and gave the new members hugs to comfort them. Whenever I came to this room, I always asked myself why the life was unfair to these poor babies and why some parents heartlessly abandoned their children. The ringing bell which announced the play time of children snapped me out of my unanswerable questions. I and other students hurriedly were in a hurry to go to the play yard to prepare the performance.

The charitable activity was successful and ended at 2p.m. While coming back our school, on the bus all students were tired in the bus; some students pleasantly slept and snored oin the bus; I looked the new members, thought about what we had done that day, realized myself and to learned a valuable lesson that, to become a successful leader, you I need to not only direct members but also collaborate with them in work. Also, I learned another priceless lesson that when you still have your our parents are still on the life alive, it means that you are we are much more happier than many children without their parents oin the world.

Edited by Ngocha

Too many basic grammar mistakes
Con cảm ơn chú vha08 nhiềù ạ.
Bài viết đầu của con hơi nhiều lỗi, nên sau đó con có review và post lại phía sau bài sửa lỗi của con, mong chú xem giúp con ạ. Chú nhận xét thế nào về chủ đề và lập luận của con ạ. con cảm ơn chú nhiều

The guitar melody gently mixed with my singing voice. I sang the English song” Proud of You” which helped me get the first prize in the school competition before. With the determination not to disappointing the pathetic children, I put all my emotion and confidence in every word of the song. Even though this was not the first time of singing, I still felt the excitedly beating of my heart. Eight minutes of singing song dripped down sweat on my face and took me out of breath, but they left me an indescribable emotion.
In 2010, when still in Vietnam, I volunteered for a charitable group that was held by my English teacher. This was the second time I participated in this activity. The second year’s work was more difficult than the year’s before because many of the old members did not participate. I was the only experienced member, so I took more work such as instructing new members, gathering donations from the students and teachers, and creating posters for the activity. In these works, guiding new members was my most tiresome responsibility because the new members were boisterous and talkative, and they paid more attention to their friends’ gossips than my instructions.
After the hour-long bus ride to the Binh Duong Orphanage, some students and unloaded the boxes of gifts. Because it was the second time I went there, I remembered most of rooms. I guided and led some freshmen to distribute gifts to orphans. Some of the small children were afraid and crying, or hiding behind their nannies when the students handed them gifts. The bigger children were more affectionate and some of them gave me kisses or hugs. These kisses and hugs were valuable, favorite presents which left beautiful memories and images in my mind after every trip. Finally, I came to the special room which was used to take care of babies and disabled children. Even though I had held these babies in my arms before, I could not overwhelm my emotion and keep my tears from dripping down my face when I held them this time. I was not the only one crying. I tried to calm my sad feelings and gave the new members hugs to comfort them. Each time I came to this room, I always asked myself why life was unfair to these poor babies and why some parents heartlessly abandoned their children. The ringing bell which announced play time for the children snapped me back to the task at hand. I urged other students on going out to play yard to prepare for the performance.
The children excitedly watched my performance and as the song ended, I heard the clapping sounds of children and nannies. After the performance, the other students and I gave candies and snacks to children. Dripping with sweats, I distributed candies and played with the children in the hot, humid weather, but I was still happy when I saw the smiles on children‘s faces.
The charitable activity was successful and ended at two in the afternoon. While coming back to school on the bus, I reflected on the day’s activities, and learned a valuable lesson that to become a successful leader, you need to not only direct members but also collaborate with them in work. Also, I learned another priceless lesson that when you still have your parents who care for you and love you, it means that you are happier than many children on the world.